Book Club: Eat, Pray, Love: Introduction-2

The second book in our book club series is Eat, Pray Love. Is it a Hindu book? Not exactly, but it is very relevant to the experiences of non-Indian Hindus. The author has a Hindu guru (whose identity has been rather easily found out by those familiar with the world of Indian gurus). Julia Roberts after playing the author in the movie claimed to have become a Hindu. So I think it will be worthwhile to examine the experiences and stories that led these women towards Hinduism…

In the introduction Gilbert explains that she has structured the book into 108 brief sections like japa mala beads. Part of the reason is to show the structured nature of spiritual search. This story is not exploding out all over the place without purpose. Spiritual endeavors are not easy and they do require discipline and tenacity. Gilbert says this structure allows her to focus her attention within the book. I really like this idea. The introduction is basically the guru bead, where she thanks those who helped her along the way in this story.

Part One is Italy

Bead One within Italy has her already there, practicing Italian with a handsome tutor. She reveals that she has decided to spend this year of adventure celibate, which seems to be a way of cleansing herself and refocusing her energies on what she needs to fix within herself. It’s easy to get distracted and go from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend without pausing to make sure you’re still heading in the direction you want to go.  She’s having a bit of trouble sticking to that resolution with such an attractive study partner, but stick to it she does. She is alone and it turns out she is grateful for that, thanking the universe for that chance to be alone.

Bead Two has Gilbert flashing back to how this story began three years before.

Here she speaks of hiding in the bathroom late at night consumed with fear. This is a very familiar section for me. I too remember being in a relationship that wasn’t right for me (even though everything about it seemed like it should be, and so I kept forcing myself to stay) and being unable to sleep. While he slept, I wandered aimlessly around my little apartment. I sat on the floor in the bathroom and felt numb and empty. I fought against my desire to leave him. I couldn’t understand it. But I had no peace and so I grew used to insomnia, which had never been an issue for me before.

I feel disturbed by Gilbert here. She doesn’t want to be married anymore. And part of me thinks, well tough. That’s what you signed up for. It’s too late for you to back out now. But then again, sometimes it takes a while for us to realize things about ourselves. And people make mistakes. It took her until this point in her life to realize that she doesn’t want to “settle down” and she doesn’t want to have children, something her husband definitely does want.

“I don’t want to be married anymore. In daylight hours, I refused that thought, but at night it would consume me. What a catastrophe. How could I be such a criminal jerk as to proceed this deep into a marriage, only to leave it? We’d only just bought this house a year ago. Hadn’t I wanted this nice house? Hadn’t I loved it? so why was I haunting its halls every night now, howling like Medea?”

I have to respect her honesty. She has the self-awareness to know that she comes across as a jerk for wanting to leave a marriage that doesn’t seem to have any problems other than her ambivalence.

The friend I went to see the movie with really couldn’t forgive that in her. The entire story was ruined because my friend couldn’t relate to or understand Gilbert’s desire to leave her marriage. But I recognized that moment on the bathroom floor. I had been there. I was lucky that I had not been married to the man I felt that way about, but I easily could have been. What then? I like to hope that I would solider on and stay true to my promises. But that’s signing up for a lifetime of regret and unhappiness. Maybe people do deserve the chance to correct for a mistaken marriage. She certainly has the chance to spend a lot of time repenting for whatever sin it is to break a vow and leave a marriage.

Surprising even herself, on this night Gilbert begins to pray. “You know–like, to God.”

For me, praying is not surprising or new. I have had plenty of long nights of the soul, hiding in the bathroom and begging God to help me, to make it better, to clear my mind, to fix things. I’ve always been a spiritual sort. I realize now as I write this that I am very lucky that it has been literally years since I’ve had an episode like that, wailing and crying to God, feeling like everything is horribly wrong.

Tell me I’m not alone! Are there others out there who have had those strange dark nights of fear and longing? Self hatred and supplication?