Todd Unctuous on the Papal Resignation

Guest blogger Todd Unctuous is top commentator for MSM. With a degree in Media Studies from Scranton Community College, Todd writes for many papers and websites, and is known for his incisive writing, objective reporting and razor sharp comment.

A dear friend of mine who is a devout Catholic has written a fine piece for USA Today on the daunting task the new Pope of Rome will be facing when he is elected next month. He notices that the Renaissance court of the Vatican will have to come up to date with the new Pope.

Rumors are swirling around the centuries old city state–a walled enclave that is like the Kremlin of old. Like the Kremlin, the holy huddle of old men with absolute power are worried about the threatening world outside. Rumors of a conspiracy are swirling around this tiny sect-like group. Was Pope Benedict ousted by a group of power hungry conservatives who regard his papacy as too liberal, or were the plotters a group of renegade nuns who arrived in Rome on a bus? Was he pushed out because he loves the ancient Latin ritural or because he was simply too old? Rumors are swirling around this ancient, notoriously closed walled city–the place where only thirty years ago rumors swirled about the sudden death of “the smiling Pope” John Paul I who was found hanged under Blackfriars Bridge in London after  threatening to expose the Mafia connections with the Vatican bank. There are simply too many co incidences for them to be co incidences. Only a few months ago this tiny walled city was blown wide open as the secrets of the Pope’s butler were revealed to the press.

I am not myself a religious man, but am I the only one who thinks it slightly ostentatious for the Pope to have a butler at all? The man lives in a palace and is guarded by soldiers in Renaissance costumes. He surrounds himself with the trappings of power, wealth and priviledge. This is not something you see other religious leaders doing. Good solid men like my friend Joel Osteen and Paul Crouch lead simple lives with a fair amount of remuneration. Yet the Pope of Rome wears velvet capes and red slippers from Pravda.

With the resignation we see the last of what are being called “the Nazi Popes”. It is now well known that Pope Pius XII, (who’s Vatican was controlled by sinister Sister Pasqualina) was a Nazi sympathizer who never allowed women to have a powerful role in the church. Hitler’s Pope had the power to close down the Nazi death camps, but did nothing claiming that he was a “prisoner of the Vatican”. Jolly Pope John followed him. Everyone loved the fat friar from Venice because he opened the windows and called the Second Vatican Council which allowed birth control, women priests and same sex marriage. He was followed by Pope Paul VI, a brave Italian who continued the Second Vatican Council, which was then taken over by  the Nazi-sympathising extremists. They are the ones who cancelled the renewal and reform and closed the windows which Jolly Pope John had opened.  They are the ones who assassinated the smiling Pope and brought in the Pope from Poland who was brought up in that country under the Nazi regime. He was followed by the present Pope who many pundits have observed looks like the Emperor Palpantino from the Star Wars saga. He was a member of the Nazi youth and is very fond of wearing red Pravda slippers and velvet capes.

Now that a new Pope is about to be elected the time has come again for the People of God to bring about change in the centuries old Renaissance court. As Vatican Doozy calls for, the Catholic Church is rightly called the Peoples’ Republic of God. Time has come for the people to take charge of their church. Whether it is a housewife in Ghana or a female executive in New York, whether it is a hard working nun who drives a bus or a social worker in a dog collar, the time has come for them to claim the church for the people. St Francis wore a simple brown robe and expressed his poverty. The clergy of the Roman church should do the same.

Poverty is a very noble thing for religious people and it is time for the Catholics in the developing world to understand that it is God’s will for them to be poor for as Martin Luther King III said, “Blessed are the poor.”

I am not myself a religious man, but I do respect people who take their religion seriously like the pop singer Bono and his wife Cher. Also the first Lady of the United States, Michelle Obama who has been known to go to church from time to time. Not to mention the film stars Brad and Angelina Pitt-Stopp who do much good work doing photo shoots with poor children.

As my friend who has written for USA Today and many other fine papers has said, “The new pope has his job cut out for him.” It will be a difficult thing to be the Pope. He will have many difficult decisions to make and will find the job very difficult…(have I reached 12oo words yet?)

However, as the good book says, “Every cloud has a silver lining” and I believe it was St Paul himself, who the new Pope will be the heir to, who wrote so poignantly, “All you need is love.”

Todd Unctuous is forty-two.

For those who find Todd’s post disconcerting or controversial take time to learn more about him here.

To read all of Todd’s posts use the ‘category’ tool in the right sidebar.


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  • Bill


  • rich

    the pope a nazi not a child rapist enabler! hmmm

  • AnneG

    Notoriously closed walled city? Obviously you’ve never been in Rome in April or anytime in summer!
    This must have been an excruciatingly difficult post about the Pope of Rome, for an un religious man.

  • Nan

    Wow! I had no idea that Pravda sold shoes! What a major scoop. Todd is incredible.

  • Mary

    Might find this article more palitable.

    Give ya the idea not all of them are total idiots…

  • Julie C.

    Hey, I think I dated this guy a couple of decades ago!

  • Amy

    Thank you, Mary. It was. And I would also like to add a link –
    (Referencing St. Simeon’s prophetic words to the Blessed Mother at the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple.) It is comforting to know that there are those in Protestant circles who have a high regard for our Holy Father and for the Catholic Church. God Bless them!

  • Thers

    Well, that’s a darn fine job of parodying nobody for the amusement of barely anyone.

  • Fr John

    Please don’t speak for Fr L’s fans Thers. I don’t think I like being called barely someone.

    The smiling pope, found hanged at Blackfriars Bridge. Gold!

  • Andy

    Todd certainly did not disappoint!
    “Poverty is a very noble thing for religious people.”
    Preceded and followed by:
    “I myself am not religious.”

  • SteveCC

    Fr. Dwight Longenecker — What is this GARBAGE post meant to accomplish? Yeah! I get it… this Todd is your alter ego. But maybe you might want to think a bit on people who come to this site, read your alter ego drivel, and leave angered by the nature of the post, without ever knowing it is a spoof!

    I left the page earlier, livid at yet another demonic-style attack on the Church but later came back just to leave a Catholic-Church-Defense comment against pervasive seething hostility these days. By fluke I saw the link to your alter ego page, but it was unusual that I even bothered to follow the link considering. But how many people come to sites that are supposed to be Catholic-friendly (via a link from a site they trust) and find terribly hurtful posts and comments, trying to rape their loyalty to Catholic Church, and ON CATHOLIC SITES at that? When the wording gets vitriolic, one usually does not read to the very end to determine if somehow it is a hoax. No! The damage is already done and there’s just another stupid Catholic running off in shame, who can’t differentiate the sick humor from the real thing.

    It may be that you get sufficient traffic to your blogs so that you don’t have to worry about losing a certain percentage of upset Catholics. I guess if they cannot understand your ‘humor’ then so be it! The trouble is many of us are tired of trying to wade through the piles of negativity to mine nuggets of hope, worthwhile and nutritious essays and blogs, that are to be found in ever-fewer online locals. For me, I normally stay with only a few sites I trust, but maybe a couple of times a year when a major Church story breaks, like on Feb 11th, I will then venture further afield. This means gearing up to come up to speed, a rapid thickening of skin and heart, to browse what’s been said on the web… this time related to our Pope’s resignation and successor election etc.

    Even though I know now that this post is a spoof, I still don’t want to go back to reread it in the new light, because it is too much like the real thing, i.e. like the evil tide out there. Do you understand what I am trying to convey? Is it not a little like a rape-victim rushing to switch channels after putting on the TV in the middle of a rape scene? After cutting the power, has the wound weathered it or has a scab been ripped open again?

    Perhaps Catholics have more than their fair share of anti-Catholic hatred being spewed over the years by liberal hate-mongering main-stream media? Perhaps there is so much destructive that we need to limit ourselves to constructive, and perhaps with the tsunami of Catholic-bashing, when we seek respite from it, we really do need that reprieve.

    We have a lot of trouble in our Church, even from within with innocent priests being sold down the river by their bishops; some falsely imprisoned; some in their 70’s and 80’s falsely accused of abuse dating back half a century thrown out by their dioceses and stripped of their rights and clerical state, without any kind of redress, civil or canonical. Legislation being passed all round the states aimed at singling out the Catholic Church and seeking her destruction. Scam artists being fronted by contingency lawyers draining the Church of her assets. Political correctness and liberalism strangling the national hierarchies into submission. Priests (and religious) beginning to drift out of the Church in confusion resulting from alienation from their Chanceries; their spiritual fathers, the bishops often throwing them under the bus of SNAP and VOTF, DAs and the media, and like Peter, denying them at every turn, often more than Peter’s mere three times.

    Apologies for being so long winded, but I had to vent. Keep writing the good stuff like I have read on some of your ‘real’ blogs. In this day and age, the alter has lost its sheen and the altar is only sporadically found.

  • The Egyptian

    are you sure Todd wasn’t on the news shows this week, sounds just like some I’ve heard, Margret Carlson comes to mind, maybe sharing notes.
    Dupes and rubes
    Has the Vicar weighed in yet, really interested in his opinion. Might be enlightening for us all

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    Thanks for visiting the blog. I make Todd’s comments so outrageous that most people realize I am mocking the mainstream media and appreciate the satire. When the abuse from the world becomes so insane and irrational sometimes grim laughter is the only response. There is a great tradition of humor among the martyrs you know. Laughter in spitting in the eye of the devil.

  • John

    Struck a nerve, did he?

  • The Egyptian

    grow up, you take yourself WAY too seriously, most of us Catholics have sense of humor, were you holding the door when yours was handed out, sheesh. I refuse to believe that Christ was humorless and didn’t enjoy good satire

    to quote the great Ma Ha Rushie
    for satire to be funny it has to be based in truth

  • Mary

    Very refreshing to hear appreciation of the church from non-catholics rather than mud-slinging! Thank you Amy for that link.

  • FW Ken

    It boggles the mind that someone smart enough to use a computer would not recognize that Todd is satire.

  • Old man

    I think I saw him on Fox News.

  • SteveCC

    Thank you for your feedback. You know the sad thing about the times we are in, is that Todd’s comments are NOT REALLY so outrageous after all — more like the norm of modern day irrational attacks. It has become a bit like the frog in the pot of water not realizing the temperature is increasing one degree at a time as the heat is turned up. My point is that Todd makes such a good job of ridiculing the mainstream media that he ‘becomes’ that media to the unwary.

    I realize now that my comment was sharp in tone, and for that I sincerely apologize, and it is apparent that I had written it from a place of pain. I know I must now come off as gullible to those who visit your blog, and feel a certain humiliation like a laborer might feel when confronted with the satire of a scholar, not having the benefit of years of scholarship to read behind the satire, let alone recognize it as such. No. My comment was written hastily as a retort to perceived hostility and an honest sense of enough is enough.

    When we read in the Scriptures about Jesus’ passion, the part about Jesus meeting the women of Jerusalem and His telling them to not weep, we can recall His words to all of us to forgive those who trespass against us and to love our enemies. The weeping women of Jerusalem seem to step up to this, in their (passive) weeping at the injustice they were witnessing. When I look back over my comment above I see both my failure to follow what is being asked of me and my own horror, as though I was just up the street from those weeping women… As though I had grasped only bits and pieces of the events since the previous evening and Jesus’ arrest, from the firestorm of rumor and gossip… As though I beheld the savagely brutalized Jesus struggling beneath His cross, and as He came into sight, and forgot all about forgiving and loving the enemy… As though I was just filled with horror that turned to anger and escalated to internal rage among a sea of scorners filled with hatred; yet too much of a coward to express this rage openly because I fear the angry mob will turn on me.

    It is so reflective of my life today, where I am appalled at the attacks against Christ’s Church, both from within and without, yet I do nothing openly about it… not so much because I don’t want to, but rather I am so overwhelmed by the number and scope of the attacks that I don’t know where to start. My Church is being mauled daily, and I feel frozen in my inability to assist in her defense. I know that Jesus said the gates of hell would not prevail against it, but I am so bewildered, witnessing the growing onslaught to demoralize and cripple her. If the Church is called as the Bride of Christ, will she also not only be crucified, but also die on the cross? Must the Church be terminated so that she can be resurrected by Jesus? And if all this is so, then is my desire to defend the Church out of step with God’s will for her? Instead of hiding in the crowd, trying to quietly speak out against the injustice should I be openly running away like His disciples did, knowing ‘that a plan’ will unfold just as it did on Calvary?

    Yes Father, Todd’s comments are outrageous, and I responded most unworthily. As Church is crucified, I don’t have the integrity to stand with the Mary and John in open support. Perhaps what I need to do is turn away from the blogs and the media, and just put my head down in humility and prayer, letting “what will be, will be.”
    May God richly bless you.

  • Veronica

    Excellent post, as always! Hmm, I wonder what Caitlin’s aunt thinks about the pope’s resignation… *hint*hint*

  • Julie C.

    I read a BBC article a few days ago suggesting that he is staying within “the closed walled city” upon retirement to avoid prosecution (not persecution).

  • Julie

    The reason this is so funny is because any of us who read the news media and readers’ comments regarding the Catholic Church know there are many, many people this uninformed or nearly so, and not shy about putting their ignorance out there. The insanity is that I suspect very many of them don’t care WHAT the truth is because attacking the church in that cowardly way feels so good.

  • Ivana

    If you were Satan which church would you attack? Satan goes after it’s enemy which is the Holy Catholic Church. This alone tells you you are in the right church. Enough!!!!!!

  • Joan

    Thanks. :-). Love Todd. I wonder what the “church lady” must be thinking of all this?

  • Will

    “even from within with innocent priests being sold down the river by their bishops; some falsely imprisoned; some in their 70’s and 80’s falsely accused of abuse dating back half a century thrown out by their dioceses and stripped of their rights and clerical state”

    Oh man, TELL me that your post is the one that’s the actual parody. This is comedy gold. Please, tell me more about those poor, victimized priests.

    Oh man, I re-read part and I realize it’s full of rape-victim metaphors where THE CHURCH is the victim! WOW. Brilliant stuff, I think this might go right over Fr. Dwight’s head. Amazing.

  • FW Ken

    Sex offenders being my day job, I can say that more than once I’ve really wanted to lock someone up, because I just KNEW he was up to something. But knowing and proving are two different things. See, Will, there’s this thing called due process. I’m not talking about avoiding justice through technicalities, but actually determining guilt and assessing an appropriate penalty.

    One priest in our diocese was dismissed from service because 20 years prior, at the age of 28, he kissed a 16 year old girl on a campout. Guilty, sure, but did the punishment fit the “crime”?

    There is also the fact that some are just innocent. One study in the Archdiocese of Chicago found about a third of allegations weren’t remotely credible. If you haven’t read the John Jay report, you might want to before pontificating about sex abuse. Or read Phillip Jenkins’ Pedophiles and Priests. Or, just keep making ass of yourself on blogs. Your choice.

  • Kaldra

    Nerd here.
    The evil emperor in Star Wars is named “Palpatine”, not “Palpatino”.
    Not sure if the misspelling is part of the satire or what, but just saying.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    part of the joke. Todd’s dumb.

  • FrancesM

    As we type, some minion from CNN is frantically trying to get Todd’s home number and e-mail address from Scranton Community College.

  • Arnobius of Sicca

    A bit off the topic, Father, but having just finished (and enjoyed) your Kindle short story on The Vicar, have you considered putting your collections of Todd and the Vicar into Kindle form as well?

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    good idea!