Local Church Sees 1000% Attendance Increase After Controversial Promotion

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:27 am By Matthew Distefano

Pensacola, FL – The SonShine Congregational Church is once again making headlines. Known for their controversial branding – they once paraded a group of scantily-clad, chastity-belt-wearing teenage girls in front of the congregation during their “true love waits” campaign – the nondenominational church is now offering free, unregistered AR-15s to all new members who can prove they are unvaccinated for COVID-19. The recent promotion has led to a nearly 1000% increase in church attendance, as white evangelicals from all over... Read more

Apostates Anonymous Is Back!

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:28 am By Matthew Distefano

Many of you know I cohost a podcast called Heretic Happy Hour. But most probably don’t know that I used to host one called Apostates Anonymous. I stopped recording back in April ’21, simply because I was stretched too thin, like butter scraped over too much bread (to quote Bilbo). But guess what!? Apostates Anonymous is back, and it’s better than ever because I’m joined by fellow HHH cohost Keith Giles. Here’s the tagline for the show: Apostates Anonymous is... Read more

After 2,000 Years, Jesus Returns (But Just To Clarify A Few Things)

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:28 am By Matthew Distefano

Jerusalem, ISRAEL – After 2,000 years, Jesus Christ of Nazareth returned to earth in order to clarify a few things he says have been misconstrued about him over the centuries. While it wasn’t the return most Evangelicals were hoping for, it did shed some light on a few issues. “First off, let me suggest that some of y’all have really botched this whole ‘Christian’ thing,” said the Lord, obviously annoyed that he even had to be here again. “How can... Read more

New Christian Music Generator Taking The Industry By Storm

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:28 am By Matthew Distefano

Nashville, TN – A new Christian Music Generator is taking the industry by storm. The app, known as “AutoPraise,” is being heralded as a game changer in the Christian music scene. Since its inception in 2018, the app has seen over 350,000 downloads, but roughly 80% of those have been in the last month alone. The reason for such a spike in interest is due in large part to the fact that Christian supergroup, “sonSHIP,” used the app to write... Read more

New Survey Shakes Middle Earth

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:29 am By Matthew Distefano

Rivendell, EASTERN ERIADOR – A recent survey conducted by a coalition between the elves of Rivendell, dwarves of Erebor, and men of Gondor, shows that a growing number of Middle Earth residents do not see Mordor as a threat. The survey concludes that as recently as this month, 31% of Middle Earthers believe that the hype surrounding Sauron has been overblown, while a striking 11% don’t believe Sauron even exists. This is shocking, given that the Necromancer of Dol Guldur... Read more

Pastor In Hot Water After Dildo Collection Speaks Out

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:29 am By Matthew Distefano

Biloxi, MS – Pastor Andrew Jackson Jefferson Davis of Biloxi Baptist Church is in hot water after members of his dildo collection speak out against his alleged hypocrisy. The Southern Baptist Pastor is well known for his homophobic rantings, some of which were featured on CNN, MSNBC, and elsewhere. When asked for comment, the pastor was unavailable, but we were able to catch up with a few of the toys Davis keeps hidden in his closet. “I’ve been locked away... Read more

Time Traveler Confirms The Power Of Natural Immunity

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:29 am By Matthew Distefano

Los Angeles, CA – With the debate between natural immunity vs. vaccine immunity raging in America, a bit of clarity recently emerged, and it’s a game changer. With the help of time travel, we were able to hear from Roscoe Daniels, who died in 1822 after a short bout with mild to moderate diarrhea. “I died in ’22 after eating some bad beef stew. I was 37, which is actually pretty old. They called me the Keith Richards of the... Read more

Christians Relieved To Find Out Hell Is Real

Last updated on: January 12, 2022 at 8:30 am By Matthew Distefano

Zion, IL – In a huge win for Evangelical Christianity, it has been determined that hell is in fact real, and that potentially billions of people will spend eternity in its flames. This news may come as a huge shock to non-Christians and Universalists alike, but for the good majority of Evangelicals, it is a welcomed relief. “This is fantastic news,” said Karen Edwards-Piper, wife of Zion, Illinois megachurch pastor Rhett Piper. “We’ve been hoping some of our ex friends... Read more

5 Worst Christmas Songs, Ranked

Last updated on: December 23, 2021 at 9:32 am By Matthew Distefano

Bah humbug! I hate Christmas songs. Not all of them, but most of them. Call me a Grinch. Call me a hater. I don’t care. Most are kitschy, cheesy, and just plain annoying. Some, however, take it to the next level and must be destroyed as soon as possible. Here’s just five Christmas songs that need to be tossed into the dustbin of history. V. Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer I don’t mind the macabre nature of something.... Read more

Weighing in on Deconstruction

Last updated on: December 13, 2021 at 1:20 pm By Matthew Distefano

Like I’ve said in the last two articles, it seems everyone is weighing in on deconstruction these days. Whether it’s Sean McDowell, Alisa Childers, Matt Chandler, or your run of the mill Christian on Twitter, everyone’s got an opinion. The crazy thing is that for the most part none of these folks have any firsthand knowledge of what they are talking about. Crazier yet is that none seem interested in talking to those of us who do. They are like... Read more