Early this morning Pope Francis left Vatican City never to return. Once the leader of the world’s largest Christian denomination, he is now saying he is a member of The Satanic Temple.

Easter Broke This Pope

Likening Christ to a deadly disease apparently opened the eyes of Pope Francis.

Vatican sources report Pope Francis’ Easter message titled The contagion of hope was just too much for the pontiff.

“People are dying from COVID-19 and the Church’s message was to spin it into puppy dogs and Jesus rainbows,” one anonymous bishop stated. “Even to me, that’s pretty cheeky.”

After giving the Easter speech, the Pope retired to his private chambers. Catholic investigators later discovered Francis was surfing the web all night finding out all he could about The Satanic Temple. It appears Francis rented the groundbreaking documentary Hail Satan?

The Satanic Temple

While many are shocked at Francis embracing Satanism, one high ranking member of the Temple isn’t.

“It was only a matter of time before the Pope turned to Satan,” remarked co-founder of TST Azazel Canard. “Have you seen our tenets? They kick butt. Even kittens love them.”

The Seven Tenets of The Satanic Temple are:

One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.
The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.
One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone.
The freedoms of others should be respected, including the freedom to offend. To willfully and unjustly encroach upon the freedoms of another is to forgo one’s own.
Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs.
People are fallible. If one makes a mistake, one should do one’s best to rectify it and resolve any harm that might have been caused.
Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion, wisdom, and justice should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

Francis hasn’t announced any plans for the future.

However, his close friends believe he may travel to Salem, MA to visit TST headquarters and see the statue of Baphomet for himself.

Azazel Canard said he’d welcome Francis if he visits. Canard mused, “Satan moves in mysterious ways.”