This open letter was recently sent to The Dallas Herald from one of its readers. The newspaper decided to print it in its entirety:

Dear The United States Of America,

Speaking as a big “C” Conservative and lifelong resident of the Lone Star State, I wholly support the new Fugitive Fetus Act. It is Texas’ sacred duty to protect all of its citizens. Any fetus in danger while traveling in a female resident of Texas needs to be protected. If a mother tries to obtain an abortion by going to another state or country, they need to be brought back by any means necessary. Thank God, law HB 276 otherwise known as the Fugitive Fetus Act passed the legislature and signed into law.

Thanks to the new statute countless moms with murder on their minds will get a second chance. It’s common knowledge a woman’s lady parts interfere with linear thinking. For example, when was the last time you heard a woman say “A little WD-40 will make that square peg get into that round hole?” Men are equipped by our creator (that’s God to you radical agnostics out there) to tell women when it is appropriate to have a child. And when to do our laundry. And what time to have dinner ready.

Not only will the Fugitive Fetus Act help confused and potentially murderous mothers, but it will also stimulate the economy. Take out your history books and look at how the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 boosted the Southern economy. Thanks to that law, bounty hunters traveled into free states to repossess slaves that fled to freedom. Countless men found meaningful work reuniting slave owners with their property. Unfortunately, the law became void in the 1860s thanks to bleeding-heart liberals.

And lastly, think about the children. And by children, I mean the unborn. Once they are out in the world thinking about children actually harms them. Numerous peer-reviewed studies show thinking about children’s healthcare, diet, housing, and education gets in the way of the greater good. How can Texas pass tax cuts to the 1% if all the legislature is doing is trying to keep kids vaccinated? God only wants us to think about kids when ministers want to keep the gays from getting married or protecting biblically-based bathrooms.

Celebrate with me the passing of the Fugitive Fetus Act. Let the world know Texas is at the forefront of progress. We are the face of the New South.

Sincerely,

Andrew Canard