No Longer Quivering
by Suzanne Titkemeyer
And so we’re here, the chapter I’ve been dreading – Lori gives sex advice. Her advice can be boiled down to ‘Give him sex upon demand all the time and you better be joyful about it!’ The chapter’s title is ‘This Thing Called Sex’.
I’m going to need a gallon of brain bleach after this one because after viewing the kissing photos of Ken and Lori on her blog earlier today I’m still squicked out and do not ever want to possibly imagine any scenario where those two might ever do that thing called sex. Just like I’m sure most folks don’t wish to have images of many of us enjoying marital relations in their minds.
This is a culture in which you can never be genuine, speak your real mind, own your emotions or have needs as a woman. So how does that work out when you are performing that particular marital duty? Just peachy keen according to Debi Pearl in her book ‘Created To Be A Help Meet’, which is the book that Lori basically rewrote here. Fake it, fake smile, fake enthusiasm. Neither women come out and say that exactly in their books, but it is the big implication.
Lori starts with this:
Men like sex… a lot.
Thank you Mrs. Captain Obvious! This fact has been well established in just about every culture and era. But here’s a mind blowing factoid. Many women like sex a lot too.
Lori goes on to claim that the reason men are always wanting sex and women not so much is because of menzz hormonz!!!! Followed by saying that the best way you can show your man how much you love him is by frequently satisfying him on the marital bed.
Does it really have to be a bed, Lori?
This is all followed by Lori talking about a post she put up from a man saying he had the spiritual authority in his marriage to tell his wife they were going to have sex three times a week whether she liked it or not and the long comment posted by JoyFilledWife.
First, he has no legal authority to force anyone, wife or not, to have sex against their will. That’s the very definition of rape. Most jurisdictions now recognize that wives do have the legal right to refuse sex and if the husband does not accept their ‘stop’ it is considered rape in the eyes of the law. Yes, Lori had a guy advocating rape on her old blog and now in her book.
Second, JoyFilled goes on to say that providing sex upon demand to a horny husband is somehow no different than feeding a hungry baby or cuddling a needy child.
Yes it IS different! Men are supposed to be adults, with powers of reasoning, compassion, understanding, the ability to delay gratification if there’s a legitimate need to do so. Yet again the women of the CPM seem to think men are half-beasts and half children and completely unable to control their sexual urges.
JoyFilled says that sex with your husband is a commandment from God. Lori doubles down on this, pulling out scripture that says we’re to give sexual satisfaction before scolding those not doing so for revenge reasons. Call me naive but I doubt that there are many women outside of sexually repressed religions that are using sexual denial as a weapon and punishment. If you are doing that, you need to knock it off. It’s fighting dirty. See last week about not taking offense or holding grudges. Want to torpedo your marriage? Weaponizing sex will do just that.
The great irony of all of this give him sex upon demand is that this is one of those issues that does not even have to be an issue. No one in that subculture seems to understand that there are other things you can do. It does not always have to be ‘lay back and think of England’ missionary position in the dark penis in vagina when he wants release. There are countless variations, like oral sex, hands, sex toys, whatever you can dream up that you both enjoy that does not land you in jail or with a sex offender status.
Lori does not touch upon that type of variety at all, she just says that you must have sex with a repentant cheating spouse. Oh, and find out what he likes and cheerfully enthusiastically do it, no laying there like a silent dead fish.
The blog posting that goes with this sex advice is merely a pile of comments on a piece Lori wrote about special vacation sex. She believes that when you go away on vacation one of the main reasons is to have a lot of sex. Even if there are kids in the room or less that optimal privacy.
Sure, inflict your getting your freak on upon everyone else in the vacation resort. Not really. Having sex around the kids is something I have always frowned upon and will continue to do so. Call me old fashioned, but I clearly remember accidentally seeing folks having sex when I was kid under similar circumstances and wishing I hadn’t witnessed it. Why give your children even more issues they’ll one day have to tell a therapist about? Many of her female commenters said similar things.
But the Men’s Rights types that hang around Lori’s blogs stated overwhelmingly that one of the reasons they go on family vacations is with the express purpose of having a lot of sex, at places like Yellowstone, or the Arizona desert or the local Holiday Inn. I think I’m going to have to start carrying a bigger box of Lysol disinfectant wipes around the next time I go on vacation because I don’t even want to think, consider, be exposed to the germs of these rampant vacation sexing it up guys. Vacations are primarily for sex is not a thought that ever occurred to me in regard to marriage, only for those guys that go on jaunts to places with rampant sex trade overseas.
I guess different strokes for different people. But I don’t want to be forced to see it or deal with the aftermath.
Leaving you with a stomach turning quote from the book. I suffered reading this chapter, now it’s your turn, dear reader.
My husband wouldn’t thin about going on a vacation with me without the idea of having lots of sex. Time off and time out for sex are synonymous for him, and we’ve always found creative ways to have it discreetly when we were on family vacations.
Sorry, I have to go take a shower now. Look, I like sex as much as everyone else, I just don’t feel the need to know about everyone else sexual doings, or tell everyone else about mine and don’t see the point in insisting everyone have the same type of sex you like. Find what works for you as a couple and go with it.
But if you are sick, stressed out, are dealing with a pile of puking kids, or just plain old vanilla do not feel in the mood do not think you are being a horrible spouse for postponing intimacy or offering alternatives. Everyone, male and female, goes through times when they aren’t in sync with their partners. Show grace, mercy, love and understanding.
Again, this is one of those subjects that you must discuss and come to a consensus as a couple, not because someone in a book says you must do it. Best to deal with this in the early days of marriage too.
Next week’s going to be fun. It’s about that hideous dangerous old trope in Quiverfull theology – if you just submit hard enough the right way you’ll change him into a good man without a word. More chance of riding a unicorn down the beach while getting boinked in the head by a scrap of asteroid and Ed McMahon hands you that multmillion dollar prize from Publishers Clearinghouse.
Introduction | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
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Suzanne Titkemeyer is the admin at No Longer Quivering. She’s been out of the Quiverfull Evangelical world for nine years now and lives in the beautiful Piedmont section of Virginia with her retired husband and assorted creatures. She blogs at Every Breaking Wave and True Love Doesn’t Rape
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