Quoting Quiverfull: Unhappy Wives Are Ungrateful

Quoting Quiverfull: Unhappy Wives Are Ungrateful August 8, 2017

Lori Alexanders Brainby Happy Homemaker from Lori Alexander’s The Transformed Wife – Privileged to Serve Your Man

Editor’s note: Lori continues on her theme of quoting others instead of dredging up new material. She’s run the gamut of her short list of toxic ideas, so we’re still in repeat mode, but with other authors. More toxic nonsense about you being entirely in control of your own emotions and thinking. A recipe for disaster. The unquoted bits promote Lori and Debi Pearl’s awful books.

Stop with all the negative thinking and grow a backbone with those kids. Remember, you fell in love with the man for a reason, so think back to that if you have to. Also, THINK and I do mean sit down and TRULY think of all he does for you. I am just basing my words on your post, but you said he works twelve hour shifts and you stay home.

Now, I am a housewife and I know it’s not a piece of cake, but it truly is MUCH less work and stressful than what your husband does. Really think about that, and I don’t see how you can not appreciate him. Those children can learn chores and help you around the house. Even a toddler can be taught to pick up their dirty clothes and toys and much more if you teach them.

If you don’t get rid of those nasty thoughts, they will turn into more negative thoughts and it will eventually be all you think. Don’t let that happen. So, right now stop thinking anything negative, if you have a negative thought, replace it with something positive. My favorite example: if there are dirty socks on the floor, when you start thinking how ungrateful he is to have left them, remind yourself that there is always someone out there that would LOVE to pick up her husband’s dirty socks (widows, unmarried ladies) and that it is a privilege to get to serve your man. And it truly is a privilege; I honestly believe that now.

Another thing I have learned the hard way is that not only is love an action word, but so is JOY, you can choose to be joyful. Yes, it is really hard at first and seems impossible (trust me, I’ve been there) but the more you choose to be joyful, the easier it becomes next time.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Nea

    I have a job. It’s not that stressful, Lori. And I don’t have beat little kids, not once.

  • Saraquill

    “If you don’t get rid of those nasty thoughts, they will turn into more negative thoughts and it will eventually be all you think.”

    Isn’t there a book that has a line about mote and planks? I think it’s been a bestseller for a few centuries.

  • Mimc

    The nice thing about most jobs is they have defined hours. And also you get to choose them instead of being told that this is the one thing you are good for so if you don’t like it tough.

  • Think Light Blue

    So toddlers can be taught to pick up their dirty clothes, but adults not so much?

  • Tawreos

    You can’t expect a husband to do what a toddler can do, he has to work and stuff.

  • Tawreos

    Remember folks if you have a bunch of kids in addition to making sky daddy happy, you also get your own slave labor force.

  • Melody

    Ignore how you feel and pretend to be great.

    I am doing fine, so therefore you should too.

    Be grateful always…. (blessed be his name..)

    Also everything is presumed to be so static. If you fell in love with your husband ten years ago, and a lot has happened since, perhaps you feel differently about him now. It is possible! But they are not allowed any changes of heart or feelings. They have to always adore the guy, never mind if he deserves it or not.

    I don’t think it is really possible to choose to be happy. It is possible to try and choose to be content with the life you have/don’t have and it’s also possible to try and accept your life and reality, but actually choosing to be happy, rather than simply being so… I don’t know if that’s really possible; I’m inclined to say it’s not.

  • Chiropter

    Don’t they ever get tired of repeating the same bad advice? “Grit your teeth and be happy, damn it!” If it worked, they could stop harping on it.
    Instead, they have to rely on abusive propaganda techniques to churn out more toxic Christians, and even that approach is starting to fail.

  • Melody

    Amen to that!

    It’s the constant re-enforcement of ideas because if it wouldn’t be repeated all the time, people might become aware how bad the advice really is.

  • Chiropter

    I think you can change your attitude for the short term. There have been a couple stretches of my adult life where things were not great, but there was an end date in sight. I could endure until then, and try to focus on the positive.

    However, there were other times when I looked at the future and saw that I would be miserable if nothing changed. So I changed things, and that made life better.

    These people don’t have that option. They look forward and see a life playing slave to an oblivious or abusive man, kids they are overwhelmed by and may not want, no mental stimulation, no friends outside the cult, and no way out. They aren’t allowed to express unhappiness or make changes. That is a recipe for deep depression.

    Of course, the only acceptable response to depression is to plaster on a smile and debase yourself before your god. The men and women who teach this stuff are inexcusable, but I feel really bad for the ones who grew up brainwashed and think they’re trying to do the ‘right thing.’

  • Nightshade

    ‘Now, I am a housewife and I know it’s not a piece of cake, but it truly is MUCH less work and stressful than what your husband does.’ Unless the husband has an extremely high streas or labor-intensive job that is simply not true for a woman trying to keep up with half a dozen or more kids. Of course each individual, and each couple, is different, but a woman trying to feed, clothe, maintain health of, and homeschool a flock of kids, all at different education levels, through back to back pregnancies, while also keeping a spotless home, and being a perfect slave/sex doll for her husband, is doing a lot more work, under more stressful conditions, than her husband. So, person quoted by Aunt Lori, we know that’s a flat-out lie. Have you forgotten what the Bible you folks claim to love so much says about liars?

  • Melody

    I agree. There is huge difference between the two, I think. Changing your attitude for a while to bridge over an unpleasant time is a useful (survival) skill, but having to battle depression and a difficult life by pretending all is well for what might be an entire lifetime, is something else alltogether.

  • Mirella222

    Or you could do something to try and fix the situation? You could let your husband know that you feel overwhelmed and see what can be done. Maybe he can help out more on evenings/weekends (or at least put his clothes in the hamper and his dishes in the sink). Maybe it’s time to lower some standards around the house (do you really NEED to vacuum 3x per week, or is maybe once a week enough? Could you do without a garden? Maybe you could get a slow cooker to make meal prep easier, or a dishwasher to shorten clean up time, etc). Maybe this means getting out of the house sometimes without the kids, even if it’s just joining something like a quilting club. It could also mean having date nights with your spouse (even if it’s just something cheap like going out for coffee after dinner, or taking a walk in the park). Basically there are lots of ways to improve the situation, and none of them involve suppressing your feelings and pretending to be happy until you give yourself a nervous breakdown.

  • Aloha

    Tawreos, you’re a dog now! So lovely. I like that dog.

  • Tawreos

    Thank you, I will tell him that others think he is a pretty little puppy as well. He’ll love it. =)

  • Aloha

    I’d say the work of a housewife is pretty dependent on the number of kids involved, the ages and special needs of those kids. The layout of the house is also relevant (plenty of room to run and play?) as is the choice to homeschool.

    But if you honestly wanted to compare the work and stress of Job A with Job B, it’s going to take a little investigation and research. We can’t just automatically assume that whatever the man does is difficult and whatever the women does is easy.

  • Aloha

    It’s the chain of command:
    The man orders the woman around.
    The woman orders the children around.
    The children order the pets around.

    * Never mess with “God’s Created Order!” /s

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    The more I read about what it is like for children in Quiverfull, the happier I am that I was raised Catholic and my mother mostly ignored me.

  • Nightshade

    Exactly. A mother of one child who is homeschooling, and truly loves it, and is a natural organizer/manager, may have a much easier job than her husband. The more or less typical QF family puts a huge burden on women, so most of them have a much harder job than their husbands. Extremes, of course, and the investigation you mention is necessary to analyze individual situations. 🙂 Lori, and the people she quotes, simply can’t/won’t see that, and they resort to ‘You think your job is tough, woman? Suck it up, buttercup, your man works a lot harder than you do!’ without even considering the possibility that it could be the reverse.

  • Anonyme

    Guilt trips? Let me try!

    “I hate it when my cat leaves butt streaks on my floor!”*
    “There are cat owners who would love to clean up after their cats….if their cats were still alive!”

    * I don’t think I need to clarify what the streaks are. Fortunately this rarely happens with my cat.

  • Nea

    Seriously, I have always wondered if there’s a ritual in this culture where the oft-beaten child is told “Today, you are a MAN and will never even be questioned again!”

  • katiehippie

    Do they really ask their husbands what they do all day? Or do they just assume that anything a guy does is automatically way more stressful and hard? If the guy is sitting in an office, it’s probably not that physically demanding and maybe not always mentally demanding. My job is about like that and yes, I like to unwind a little when I get home but it doesn’t totally wipe me out.

  • Speedwell

    Indeed there is. It’s called a wedding.

  • bekabot

    remind yourself that there is always someone out there that would LOVE to pick up her husband’s dirty socks (widows, unmarried ladies)

    As an unmarried woman and as the daughter of a widow I feel I should retort that widows and unmarried women are not kept awake nights by a yearning to pick up men’s dirty socks. There is no sock-shaped void in our lives. If we must pick up dirty socks, we can always pick up our own.

    I also feel I ought to mention that there’s no phalanx of spinsters waiting in the wings, every last one of them ravaged by a desire to pick up the dirty socks of a divorced or widowed man. Men who take on faith the existence of such a legion will be sorely disabused. There is no female cavalry poised to ride to the rescue of their dirty socks and dishes.

  • bekabot

    Sometimes it’s best when your parents are clueless; that’s true.

  • bekabot

    Besides, in the Fundagelical world a wife is basically a mommy who can be bossed around, while the husband plays the Boss Baby role. The wife is the husband’s wife, so it’s her duty to mother him; she’s only the female parent of their children, and mothering them is not part of her job — and not only that, but since all these people are living in such a zero-sum world, the suspicion’s always going to be that any nurturing the children get has been filched from the head of the household.

  • Nightshade

    Pretty sure they just assume.

    If they actually ask, they may find out that things aren’t the way they think they are. I knew a family years ago, mostly your typical fundie, homeschooling, ‘old-fashioned way is good enough for me,’ man-is-boss family, although this particular man already did have more respect than the average patriarchal type for his wife to start with. Anyway, there was a vehicle accident, 2 of the 4 children were in the hospital for a few weeks, their mother spent a lot of time at the hospital with the kids, and Dad picked up most of the work taking care of the other 2. That experience taught him a LOT about the relative difficulty of his job vs. hers-and he worked at a pretty physically demanding occupation! He wondered ‘how DOES she do it?’ After that he had a newfound appreciation for ‘women’s work.’

  • Ruthitchka

    Well, my soon-to-be ex rarely picked up his dirty clothes or wet towels. He was ostensibly an adult, and we both worked.
    If I am ever in a relationship again, it’ll be “If you live in this house, you pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.” Said in a NICE way, of course.

  • Ruthitchka

    Wow, this is really confusing. She’s NOT supposed to mother them?

  • bekabot

    I may have overstated my case, but I believe she’s supposed to take care of her husband first. If you doubt it, check out what guys like Doug Wilson and Larry Solomon (and, notoriously, Michael Pearl) have to say on the subject, and read between the lines. Their words are only secondarily the words of men who want to be loved or even respected and obeyed; they’re primarily the words of men who want to be babied…and worshipped, too, if they can manage to pull it off. They want (and this is JMO, but all the same I think I’m right) to be able to inspire in the women who are close to them the same degree of wonder a newborn infant sparks off in its Mom.

    Their attitude toward children is cold and somewhat jealous. The ones who have a lot to say about the ways in which a mother should interact with her kids (like James Dobson, Voddie Baucham, and Michael Pearl) mostly recommend that she punish them a lot. Is this just the sign of a wish to bring children up in the fear of the Lord? Personally, I’m not convinced that’s what’s going on; I think there might be other motivations at work.

  • Kay Pea

    I think it gets to a point where women have no hope left to run on. A person can get through so much while looking forward to things eventually improving. Eventually, though, how is she to cope with a life that is more of the same misery, with the same miserable person, until death?

  • Daniel

    It’s the chain of command:The man orders the woman around.The woman orders the children around.The children order the pets around.* Never mess with “God’s Created Order!” /s

  • lady_black

    I had a general rule for husband and kids. If it doesn’t get into the hamper, don’t be surprised when it doesn’t come back clean the next day. I wasn’t a housewife, but even if I were, I am not going to search the house for people’s dirty laundry. If you want it washed, getting it into the hamper isn’t rocket science. I am not a maid.

  • lady_black

    I assigned chores to my children, and I don’t feel a bit guilty about it. Everyone helps MAKE the mess, everyone helps to clean the mess. Don’t like it? Go out and pay your own bills.

  • lady_black

    If he were my husband, his clothes would never get washed, and I would hide the clean towels. Actions ought to come with consequences, even for adults. And I would definitely not be nice about it.

  • Tawreos

    When you say it, it sounds sane. When they say it it sounds like slavery for some reason, though I will admit I may be letting a bias or two have some say in it.

  • lady_black

    Doing your part isn’t slavery.

  • Mary Hannah bates

    I was the youngest. I hit my dog… a lot. I am sad about that. I can’t ever take it back.

  • zizania

    I miss my cats so much. Stupid allergies.

  • G.Shelley

    Possiby because in some of the larger families, the older children do most of the work of raising the younger ones

  • Lady Alexandra

    I used to have a cat when my boys were small who had a very useful quirk. He peed on any fabric on the floor. Not carpeting….that was different, in his mind, though I did have to give up cotton scatter rugs as a decorating element… but you by Dog picked up your coat and hung it up, hung up those jeans you’re going to wear tomorrow, and put your dirty clothes in the basket. And the consequence of not doing so was not administered by me, but it was sure and certain, and it was logical: You did not hang up your coat. I now have to run it through the washer and the drier. Therefore we can’t go to Grandma’s this afternoon because you can’t go out without your coat on, and it will be too late to go by the time it is dry. This is why you hang up your coat.

    He even broke my husband of hanging up his clothing on the floor.

    I miss that cat.

  • lady_black

    That’s a definite possibility for anyone with a cat. They may attempt to scent mark your clothing because that identifies the wearer as “his.” And I certainly would be careful never to buy anything that couldn’t be laundered, LOL.
    But I see your point. Natural consequences (whether your clothing doesn’t make it into the laundry, or must be unexpected laundered because the cat urinated on it, depriving the person of its use) are often the best discipline.
    Like the high school boy who can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning and misses his bus may well find himself walking to school. That cured my son of his morning laziness.

  • Lady Alexandra

    We had an episode in his teens where he tried staying up late playing video games and going to school the following day. It was not pretty. After that he decided that ten pm made a reasonable bedtime, and stuck to it. But he decided on it.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    That’s really the best way to parent, to allow consequences for actions. It’s hard to see your child dealing with adverse circumstances, but it’s really necessary for them to grow into decent adults.

    OT: Cat pee. The most cat marked thing in my home was not anyone’s clothing, it was the our electric faux woodstove. ALL the cats would lay just in the path of the output and I kept having to wipe down the markings every couple of days. Major ownership of that heater.

  • lady_black

    Can you blame them? Cats aren’t stupid. Mine, during the winter, will all line up and curl up along any heat source we have on at the time. And I mean right under it. They don’t mark it, though.