The Way to a QF Man’s Heart is Through His Penis?

The Way to a QF Man’s Heart is Through His Penis? December 8, 2017

LarryAs I was reading through the blogs of the usual suspects that say the most outlandish things and then claim God told them I stumbled over this posting by Larry Solomon at Biblical Gender Roles from three years ago on a post labeled ‘The 10 Actions of the Sexually Intelligent Wife”

You know why I’m not linking directly to Larry, of course. Because we don’t wish to drive up his Google ad rankings and put money in his pocket or give him bragging rights. Even compared to most of what Larry has said in the past this is heinous.  I’m sorry but my sarcasm meter is off the charts while viewing this and writing about it.

That second line, I don’t know if I should laugh, cry or throw up. It always comes back to Larry’s penis in every posting he makes in some form.

Larry1 He goes on to spend the rest of his post talking about how being ‘sexually intelligent’ is better than ’emotional intelligent’. All the while he’s claiming that just because you don’t feel like having sex you should not have the right to deny your husband sex because you do things like take out the trash and wash dishes when you don’t feel like it. Great, so now sex is on par with a chore.


Perhaps Larry needs to rethink what he’s doing if all of his wives have approached sex with him as a chore with as much charm as scooping the dirty cat box.

I’m not going to copy over or screen cap Larry’s descriptions of what his rules are for wives to be ‘sexually intelligent’ I’m going to paraphrase to the real short conclusions what this is really about. If you notice everything is all about appealing to Larry, the wife might as well be a hired prostitute or a sex doll than a flesh and blood woman with thoughts and emotions. He wants to hump an inanimate object. Which is, apparently, the goal of most good patriarchs in Quiverfull.

  1. His penis is a gift, don’t make it wilt with guilt.
  2. Dress sexy to arouse Mr. Happy, that’s if you’ve not killed it first with guilt.
  3. Larry likes to look at breasts so show some cleavage for him to drool over.
  4. No baggy clothes because Larry cannot handle imagining what’s beneath and needs the visual.
  5. Larry is also a leg man. Short skirts and shorts please.
  6. If you are not gorgeous then you better don some makeup so Larry does not have to view an uggo.
  7. Ask Larry what else you can improve upon for Mr. Happy.
  8. Act like you’re dying to hand out a lap dance for Larry.
  9. Wear very dirty underwear, just don’t shop for it in front of other fundies.
  10. Display your nekkid self for his eyes no matter how ‘eww’ that makes you feel. It’s all about Larry’s desire, not your comfort levels.
  11. Even after all that visual stimulation of Mr. Happy know that Larry is going to commit eye adultery with random women out in the world and it’s no big deal.
  12. Make animal kingdom noises to prove to Larry what a big bad stud he is.
  13. Come on to him. Mr. Happy is tired of being the one to start things off.
  14. If you are going to puke or have other ‘female problems’ give him a rain check? What the actual hell this means I do not know, but Larry says it’s your responsibility to open the doors to Mr. Happy when you’ve recovered from your pesky female problem.
  15. Give Mr. Happy a tongue bath without being asked.
  16. Juggle his junk when he does not expect it. I thought groping someone without getting consent first is a crime?
  17. Skip the panties and flash Larry when he does not know you’re going to give him a peep show.
  18. Don’t be vanilla mish-posish in the bedroom.
  19. If Larry isn’t interested in horizontal fellowship you must ask why and see what you’re doing wrong.
  20. If you’re not into it you must fake it for Larry’s enjoyment.

Notice something about this nasty list that I could only get through by doing a parody version. None, I repeat, none of this stuff takes into account the needs of the woman, or if perhaps the man needs hygiene improvements, or even if a discussion on sexual needs must take place. It’s all give sex the way he wants it enthusiastically 100% or fake your enthusiasm. In Larry’s world you are a flesh and blood sex doll meant to be used.

moreRead more of Larry’s one sided ideas on marital relations

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Wow, Larry would be better off with some porn and a prostitute.

  • Storm

    “This third type of wife also knows this truth about men, can be abused.”

    Due to the terrible grammar and unnecessary comma I thought he was trying to tell guys that this type of wife can be abused.

  • Mel

    Alrighty then. Since Larry’s going insanely beyond the Biblical mandate – which mainly consists of a man’s duty to have sex with his wife frequently enough that she will have children who can support her if he dies before she does – I’m going to dictate what Larry should do for his wife who he is required to support according to the Bible.

    1) Provide her with the material goods that she wants. She wants to furnish the house with Neiman Marcus? Bring on the cash, Larry.
    2) Array her in the clothing she wants – from whatever designer she wants.
    3) A good woman is worth more than rubies – so she should be decked out in bling. If you don’t know what that means, watch “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” and recreate every piece of jewelry (including tiaras) out of precious stones and metals.
    4) Her home – which you will deed in her name only – should be a bedroom per child, a master with en suite, and 1 additional bathroom per 2 kids. Ask her for other upgrades that she may want.
    5) Oh, the disposable goods! Larry’s wife can only eat brand-name organic foods and out of season produce.

    What do you mean you can’t do this and keep up with your child support for your first marriage? Shouldn’t have been such an ass to your first wife, huh? And – bluntly – you better keep this one happy because your blog is a divorce lawyer’s dream come true…..

  • Bravo Sierra

    Even prostitutes deserve more respect than Larry wants to give.

  • I find it curious that Larry appeals to values people hold dear across American society (such as empathy, responsibility [“being an adult”]) to justify knocking down boundaries. In fact, Captain Cassidy over at Roll to Disbelieve mentioned that predators use the social contract and people’s sense of social obligation to the predator’s advantage.

    As for what Larry himself said, years back I had a talk about the birds and the bees with my mom. She explained that female lack of interest in sex comes from their husbands’ ignoring their needs. She explained that if a husband pays attention to the wife’s needs, then the wife will want sex more (and told me to remember that). For me, it seems simple and makes sense.

  • Nos482

    It’s actually through the ribcage, but that’s a bit messy.

  • Saraquill

    Not if you use the right kind of ax. A sharp dagger placed just below the ribs and thrust upward is also efficient.

  • Saraquill

    Larry, marry a fleshlight and be done with this drivel.

  • Ruthitchka

    I had a terrible marriage myself, but I think your mom is correct.I am divorced and spend a lot of my time with my little Chihuahua, who’s a much nicer “person” than my ex was.

  • Ruthitchka

    This is so great.

  • Ruthitchka

    This Larry-dude sounds like the worst. husband. ever. Just out of my own curiosity, exactly how many wives has he had?

    If he’d, say, try to give his wife a Big O every once in awhile, that’d be nice. It seems to be a foreign concept to him.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    But, but… a Fleshlight can’t cook

  • AFo

    Any man who wants to use me as a meatsack to facilitate his own orgasms without considering that, hey, maybe I want one too, can GTFO. And unless he changes that attitude, it’s gonna be him and his hand for a long time.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    A Christian academic treatise basically on why Larry Solomon is a sexual pervert:
    Executive summary: Undistorted, natural sexual desire is the desire that one’s body be a joy for another – the desire to gain pleasure from the pleasure of another and to give pleasure and receive it in turn. Sexual desire that has no interest in the agency of the other is a perversion, and the root of all sexual perversion.
    And that describes Larry.

  • SAO

    Larry is just more forthright and willing to talk sex than most of the CPM bloggers, but the message is the same, men are entitled to get whatever they want and their wives should live to serve them joyfully. The purpose of women’s feeling, opinions or preferences is for them to have a challenge to overcome.

    It’s more obnoxious when Larry says give me lots of bjs than when Nancy says never disagree with your husband, but it’s the same concept.

  • Nos482
  • SAO

    I must say, “thinking with your dick” has never been a great way to make decisions. I’m sure it’s no better at love.

  • lady_black

    I’m sure that with him as a partner, I would prefer the litter boxes.

  • lady_black

    He probably doesn’t think women have orgasms.

  • lady_black

    Your mom is a very smart woman. My former sister-in-law once told me that she knows my brother has a toothbrush, but she has never seen him use it. My reaction? UGGGGGGGHHHHH! No way in hell!

  • Anonyme

    At least prostitutes receive payment or can turn down a potential client.

  • quietglow

    “Make animal kingdom noises to prove to Larry what a big bad stud he is.”

    It’s three am. The house is soft, peaceful, and silent.

    A soundless buzzer alarm worn against her skin wakes the wife. She slips out of bed, smiling to herself with a show of teeth. Then, she launches very suddenly into her rendition of what a lovelorn mountain lion sounds like.

    She has been doing this unexpectedly from all parts of the house for three days, mixing it up with camels, or the sound of a fox trying to attract a mate. Either he’ll have that heart attack, or he’ll divorce her. Either way, she wants the car.

  • (((islandbrewer)))

    I was just thinking, my wife does a really good Kookaburra imitation. I’m wondering if that’s what he meant.

    If you’re not familiar:

  • Karen the rock whisperer

    Um, sex workers deserve as much respect as anyone else. They are providing a service that some people want. That means they deserve far, far more respect than Larry would give.

  • Bravo Sierra

    Noted. It was an inartful comment, to say the least. I was thinking that sex workers might consent at times to be denigrated, But in hindsight, I realize that my comment implied a judgment that this might undermine their basic human rights or dignity, and I realize that nothing can undermine that. Thanks for the correction.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I don’t think it’s fair to say that Larry just wants a blow-up sex doll, since he also seems to want his wife to do a lot of flattery and ego-boosting to make sure that Larry feels powerful and effectual. Plus, there’s doing all the cooking and cleaning for him…

    IOW, Larry wants a Stepford Wife! One with custom added programming for Larry’s desired style of Sexy Times and his need for constant Narcissistic Supply. After all, a Nice Guy™ like Larry shouldn’t be put to the effort of blowing up a sex doll whenever he feels horny.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Yes, but using his own hand would require Larry to do a little domestic labor! He wants to lay back and be pleasured instead.

  • Astrin Ymris

    After all, it only takes a few minutes to clean a litter box. Reading between the lines, I gather that it takes a lot of time and labor to get Larry off.

  • Jezebel’sOlderSister

    I wonder what Larry/Mr. Happy would say if he was left with his right hand and a plastic play date to amuse himself with? If I were his wifey, he’d be lucky to have Mr. Happy left intact.

  • Jezebel’sOlderSister

    You forgot one thing — household staff to clean, cook, and care for the brood.