As I was reading through the blogs of the usual suspects that say the most outlandish things and then claim God told them I stumbled over this posting by Larry Solomon at Biblical Gender Roles from three years ago on a post labeled ‘The 10 Actions of the Sexually Intelligent Wife”
You know why I’m not linking directly to Larry, of course. Because we don’t wish to drive up his Google ad rankings and put money in his pocket or give him bragging rights. Even compared to most of what Larry has said in the past this is heinous. I’m sorry but my sarcasm meter is off the charts while viewing this and writing about it.
That second line, I don’t know if I should laugh, cry or throw up. It always comes back to Larry’s penis in every posting he makes in some form.
He goes on to spend the rest of his post talking about how being ‘sexually intelligent’ is better than ’emotional intelligent’. All the while he’s claiming that just because you don’t feel like having sex you should not have the right to deny your husband sex because you do things like take out the trash and wash dishes when you don’t feel like it. Great, so now sex is on par with a chore.
Perhaps Larry needs to rethink what he’s doing if all of his wives have approached sex with him as a chore with as much charm as scooping the dirty cat box.
I’m not going to copy over or screen cap Larry’s descriptions of what his rules are for wives to be ‘sexually intelligent’ I’m going to paraphrase to the real short conclusions what this is really about. If you notice everything is all about appealing to Larry, the wife might as well be a hired prostitute or a sex doll than a flesh and blood woman with thoughts and emotions. He wants to hump an inanimate object. Which is, apparently, the goal of most good patriarchs in Quiverfull.
- His penis is a gift, don’t make it wilt with guilt.
- Dress sexy to arouse Mr. Happy, that’s if you’ve not killed it first with guilt.
- Larry likes to look at breasts so show some cleavage for him to drool over.
- No baggy clothes because Larry cannot handle imagining what’s beneath and needs the visual.
- Larry is also a leg man. Short skirts and shorts please.
- If you are not gorgeous then you better don some makeup so Larry does not have to view an uggo.
- Ask Larry what else you can improve upon for Mr. Happy.
- Act like you’re dying to hand out a lap dance for Larry.
- Wear very dirty underwear, just don’t shop for it in front of other fundies.
- Display your nekkid self for his eyes no matter how ‘eww’ that makes you feel. It’s all about Larry’s desire, not your comfort levels.
- Even after all that visual stimulation of Mr. Happy know that Larry is going to commit eye adultery with random women out in the world and it’s no big deal.
- Make animal kingdom noises to prove to Larry what a big bad stud he is.
- Come on to him. Mr. Happy is tired of being the one to start things off.
- If you are going to puke or have other ‘female problems’ give him a rain check? What the actual hell this means I do not know, but Larry says it’s your responsibility to open the doors to Mr. Happy when you’ve recovered from your pesky female problem.
- Give Mr. Happy a tongue bath without being asked.
- Juggle his junk when he does not expect it. I thought groping someone without getting consent first is a crime?
- Skip the panties and flash Larry when he does not know you’re going to give him a peep show.
- Don’t be vanilla mish-posish in the bedroom.
- If Larry isn’t interested in horizontal fellowship you must ask why and see what you’re doing wrong.
- If you’re not into it you must fake it for Larry’s enjoyment.
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