Will a Bitter Boyfriend Be a Bitter Husband? Questioning the Pearls

Will a Bitter Boyfriend Be a Bitter Husband? Questioning the Pearls January 14, 2018

QuestioningthePearls

You know I have to give this young woman writing into Debi Pearl for advice about her fiance credit. Unlike most of the stars in their eyes, ready to marry Pearl girls this one has enough of her wits about her to see a possible genuine red flag. A man that never says anything nice about his parents.

Being that this is the world of Evangelical Quiverfull it’s possible that they were overly harsh, using Michael Pearl’s advice they beat him every chance they got. He might have his reasons for being angry towards them. Being a parent does not give you a free pass with your adult children who feel that they’ve been abused. They don’t ‘owe’ you a relationship. He may well be reacting to a rotten and painful childhood. But we cannot determine that from these few lines.

Here’s the original letter:

Debi3

Could be his personality is just bent towards the negative. I’m not sure since we’re never given much detail in these likely faked Pearl letters.

So what does Debi advise? Her answer is surprising less toxic than you might expect. She tells him to do that thing that is so, so, so rare in this culture – to talk to him. But she leavens that advice with warnings about bitterness instead of allowing that the man might have legitimate gripes and issues he needs to work though.

Debi4I guess at least she didn’t order the girl to use a plumbing line on him. Whoops, that’s just for children and women in that world.

moreRead more bad advice handed out by the Pearls

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • What’s difficult is that I doubt if many of these Quiverfull raised girls have much experience with basic human behavior so they don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t.

  • SAO

    Red flag! Red flag!

    And pay a LOT of attention to what makes him “wonderful” and “godly.” Is it the consideration he gives to others? Or is it pompous declarations of rules? Judgements pronounced on the sins of others? Is it what others say on some basis that you aren’t really sure of?

  • Storm

    This depends completely on his parents. If they’re abusive, narcissistic assholes then yeah, he might have good reason to have some issues as a result and to not talk about them in very kind ways. If they’re good people who did their best to raise him and he’s the asshole then gtfo.

    Can be hard to tell, of course, especially if she doesn’t have much of a relationship with them.

  • Right. And some people are superficially nice and seem wonderful when you first get to know them but after you have time to really see who they are you realize they’re assholes.

  • IM

    I agree. Narcissist seem like the nicest people, that is until you’re involved with them.It seems the woman who posted this thinks Christian= automatically nice.

  • lisu

    Sometimes it’s possible to tell the difference. People who grew up in dysfunctional families will often say something and then quickly walk it back, rather than being openly hostile.

    I didn’t understand why my boyfriend has a poor relationship with his parents until we stayed with them for a month. I realised that the dysfunction in his parents’ relationship, and blatant favouritism towards the other child, meant that he grew up in a house full of resentment. He has low self-confidence as a result. I don’t think even he realises the extent of the favouritism; it’s a lot easier to see when you’re not invested in the family.

    I first realised that there was more to the story when he told me that his parents had left him with a serious injury for three days before they realised, because they never saw him or spoke to him. They only realised when his school contacted them to express concern that he was injured.

  • Nightshade

    I’d tell this young lady to investigate, and proceed with caution. Is he negative about everyone, or is it just his parents? How about grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings? As others have said, we simply don’t have enough information to tell if his parents deserve his negativity, or if he’s just being an asshole.

  • bekabot

    Shorter Debi Pearl: “If only I knew then what I know now…but no, I did know it. Okay, if only I’d known I knew then what I know I know now…”

  • smrnda

    People will often vent about their parents. This is pretty common if they are still living with them, but it often goes on for a few years afterwards and is a totally normal phase.

    Also, seeming like ‘good Christian people’ says very little about the parents’ actual character or whether they were good parents, but Debi isn’t about to admit that.

  • Val

    I think that marrying hoping that the other person will change after marriage is the perfect recepy for unhappiness.

    I don’t know if this guy is bitter towards everyone or just his parents and if his parents deserve his blame. It would be better to talk to him and put marriage on hold until everything is clear.

  • AuntKaylea

    In addition to what everyone else has said: Why not just ask him about it? If you cannot ask him and trust him to answer this, then how can you ask and trust in the future in more intimate ways?