Virgins Always Have Happiest Marriages?

Virgins Always Have Happiest Marriages? November 16, 2018
I know I usually use this photo of horses and their foul droppings on Doug Wilson posts, but since this blogger is speaking of manure and her words have a lot in common with horse manure you are getting the rear view of horses waiting riders on Playa Brasilita Costa Rica.

Remember months back when Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife did her series of poorly-written articles on tattoo-less virgins? The internet and most women roared back over the false assumptions Lori pushed. Lori went viral and was overjoyed by it. Even other Christians gave Lori push back over her ideas.

Apparently her shaming and blaming struck a chord with other trying to be female cultural enforcers in the Evangelical world. Theo one I am quoting here today is from Girl With the Dragonfly Tattoo. She may have a tattoo now, and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it, but she disapproves of having any debt, any tattoos and not being a virgin upon marriage.

Here’s what she’s saying:

Keep in mind that those ‘recent studies’ the blogger is referencing here she didn’t either bother to read or link to. Instead she linked to toxic manosphere red pill writer Wintery Knight instead. The university study was conducted in Utah, home of the worlds biggest consumption of anti depressants among married women, and one of the biggest most repressive versions of Christianity ever. My point is that the study is hardly an unbiased source.

I doubt her claims because there’s just too much out there, legitimate studies that is, that contradicts the notion that virgins have better marriages. The divorce statistics do not bear that out. The recently released stats on marriage show that the older you are when you marry the more likely you are to stay married.  That tends to skew away from virginity.

Unlike Lori Alexander I am too much of a lady to discuss my sex life in public, or any of my friends sex lives. But let’s just say that personal experience also puts the writer’s words out to be wishful thinking. Some men like spice more than a piece of white bread.

I have never understood Lori’s desire to expound on her sex life in her chat room, Facebook page, or her blog in the view of virtual strangers. It seems so wrong.

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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping ithe plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 32 years. You can read more about the author here.

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  • Tawreos

    Pushing that marriage is better when the woman comes to it a virgin or with a low partner count has more to do with the fragile egos of the men involved than it does with anything in reality. Personally, I don’t care how many partners a romantic interest has had in the past as long as they keep it to one while we are together.

  • Saraquill

    When I was first with abusive turd, we were both virgins. The relationship fizzled out (though not fast enough.) Eventual husband and I weren’t virgins when we eventually started dating. We’ve been together for 11 years and counting.

  • SAO

    If you obssess over your or your spouse’s past sexual experiences, you have a problem. Get therapy! It’s weird and you probably have other fixed beliefs that are going to cause your marriage problems.

    As a side point, many women don’t find losing their virginity to be great sex, so what a way to start a honeymoon.

  • Snakeheaded Banshee

    So the “study” she alludes to basically confirms that, amongst students who have to sign a pledge not to engage in extramarital sex in order to attend university, a population of which a substantial segment has been hounded from a young age to believe that extramarital sex makes women dirty and gross and virginity is the most important characteristic for a bride, there exists an expressed belief that virginity is important?
    Hardly a dog bites man story. There’s a wee bit of social and institutional pressure there to confirm certain biases, nu?

  • Dessany

    I have never understood Lori’s desire to expound on her sex life in her chat room, Facebook page, or her blog in the view of virtual strangers. It seems so wrong.

    It seems to be a common desire among a certain type of conservative christianity. My cousin’s husband, who is a pastor, boasted about the fact that his daughter was a virgin at her wedding. The creep factor on that was amazing.

  • Anthrotheist

    I also tend to assume that the vast majority of fathers who are absolutely certain that their daughter is a virgin on their wedding day, are absolutely ignorant of what is actually going on in their daughter’s life. That’s the tragedy to me: the hypothetical narrative of the virgin bride is more important to these men than having a genuine relationship with their daughter based on honesty and loving acceptance.

  • Dessany

    I’m sure my cousin’s daughter wouldn’t have told her father if she did have sex before marriage. He is a very controlling man. My cousin was an outgoing woman before marrying him and became a very submissive woman after. It’s sad how much her relationships with all her relatives changed for the worse.

  • thatotherjean

    Well, I suppose one way of appreciating your sex life after marriage is to not have anybody to compare it to. It’s not the only way, though.

  • 3vil5triker .

    Ignorance is bliss?

  • AFo

    If she’s going off of people she knows, of course she’s going to only hear from women who were virgins when they got married, or who have converted to the lifestyle and renounced their previous “evil” ways. Never mind the fact that other people’s sexual histories are none of her business, nor is hers our business.

  • otrame

    Yeah, Tawreos, but you’re a pervert.

  • otrame

    Some people like to talk explicitly about their sex lives and that’s fine, as long as the people they are talking to don’t mind. I, for one, wouldn’t mind. There is absolutely nothing wrong with people who prefer to keep their sex lives to themselves. It’s a matter of personality.

    As for virginity at marriage, I think that, in general, it’s a bad idea. Of course if you want it that way, that’s fine, but seriously, how the hell will you know if you are sexually compatible with your spouse? And if you think that isn’t important, you don’t know enough about people and sex to even consider getting married.

  • mashava

    Seriously. Ignoring everything else about preferences, sex drives are a thing. There are people who are every day and ones who are a few a week. People who may or may not be ace but have slow to nonexistent drives. People who are sexual when they’re stressed and people who cant bear to be touched when upset.

    And if one of you is a “every day, twice a day if we can” and the other is “maybe twice a week…” issues will be had.

  • frostysnowman

    So true. I married someone I wasn’t sexually compatible with, feeling certain things would improve as the relationship progressed. I could not have been more wrong, and now many years later we are divorcing over it (and a few other things, but mostly this). I put up with things for far too long.

  • Tawreos

    Let them question it. I have worked for many years to be a right proper pervert and it always feels good when people notice. =)

  • smrnda

    The % of people who are virgins until marriage is not very high, and the number of people who have had only 1 sexual partner is also not incredibly high. Are there really statistically significant numbers of people who never had sex except with their spouse who are not members of divorce-averse religious subcultures to study? It’s like researching harms of porn – are there enough people who don’t consume something that someone might consider ‘porn’ to get a study together?

  • otrame

    “Perverted” is sort of like “Promiscuous,” which is defined as “Some I resent for having more sex than I am.” A pervert is someone having a kind of sex I don’t want.

  • otrame

    Yeah. That was part of why my marriage died. Not the only thing, for sure. When we married, I was too young to understand how important that sort of thing can be. It was not a case of abuse and he is not evil because he wanted more sex than I did. Mostly, though, we just grew apart. It happens. We were married 32 years, of which 20 were pretty good. I just had more sex than I was actually all that enthusiastic about, and he had less. We compromised. In a good marriage, that is something that can be gotten around. But we stayed married for roughly 10 years longer than we should have (this is looking back, of course) and when we separated we were both so much happier that it was clearly time to end it.

  • Emersonian

    I counted at least 4 grammatical errors in that one paragraph.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    I…really don’t think that works though. It either feels good or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, you’ll start to notice, even if you don’t have anything to compare it to. I suppose you could always conclude that sex just isn’t supposed to be fun for women. Seems like that’s what a lot of Christian women do.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Actually “once a day at least” and “a few times a week” actually seems like two people who could work out a compromise. But what about “once a day or more” and “once a month, maybe?” Or even “a few times a week” and “once a month maybe?” I’ve definitely known people in these situations and it’s rough. Some people do find ways to make wildly mismatching drives work but a lot of people can’t.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Our society needs to acknowledge that sexual incompatibility does destroy marriages. We are so sex-negative that we devalue the role of sex in a marriage—it’s not “supposed” to matter so much. But…it does. No point in pretending otherwise.

    Good luck with the divorce and I hope that life improves.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Yeah, I guess I’m not a “lady” because I have no problem with anyone talking about their sex lives. I think people sharing things about sex with each other can help normalize a lot of experiences that people are concerned make them “weird.” I’m all for it if everyone involved is comfortable.

    It’s shaming other people for their experiences that I’m not into.

  • mashava

    Yeah, you’re right, I realized a bit after posting that they aren’t that divergent. But yes, wild mismatch is a thing.

  • frostysnowman

    Thank you. I agree 100% with what you’ve said here. Lack of physical intimacy can indeed destroy a relationship, and it definitely matters to the person whose needs are not being met.