Marry or Masturbate?

Marry or Masturbate? September 6, 2019
Youtube screen cap of Joe Gatto from “Impractical Jokers” yelling for Larry. This is what happens at my house when Larry Solomon is mentioned, we all start yelling “LARRY!” Joe Gatto style.

Larry Solomon, he of Biblical Gender Roles which we cannot link to because it improves his Google ranks, is writing today about all the ways a good red pilling semi-MGTOWing Christian young man can find a mate. What leapt out was Larry’s promotion of self-love while waiting for this imaginary creature, the chaste sheltered Biblical girl. Marry or masturbate in the world according to Larry.

Oh brother! Masturbation today, yesterday semen brains. Way too much focus on male reproduction, and none on the ladies.

Larry’s answering another of his emails. This one does not sound like it is a catfishing email, but I could be wrong. What is frightening is that the young man keeps rattling on and on about how Larry has educated him on the evils of feminism and before he thought equality between the sexes was a good thing.

This is the real danger of guys like Larry. They can impact impressionable people all too easily to their toxic ideas. Apparently this young man hasn’t seen the oh so average beta male that Larry really is, a guy without anything in real life to recommend him. If you saw Larry in real life you’d just pass on by, maybe even feel sorry for him. Not to be emulated.

Here are Larry’s steps to finding Miss Right.

Step 1 – Know Your Purpose in Life

It is “for this cause” (Ephesians 5:31), the cause of picturing the relationship between God and his people, that we are to seek and enter into marriage.

Well, what about the passages in the Bible that state it is better to be celibate and unmarried? Or those that have guys with more wives and concubines than FLDS compound? Here’s the problem with insisting on doing it Bible style. There is literally everything you can think of in the Bible, and parts of it completely contradict other parts. This is not a good way to run your life even if you’re a Christian.

Step 2 – Read Your Bible from Genesis to Revelation

Step 3 – Keep Sexual Relations for Marriage

Step 4 – Build Your Career First, Then Seek A Wife

Here’s where Larry starts deviating from the Bible-town script. According to many in Quiverfull you have to marry quickly, no college, no careers, just marry or burn. This might be the most sensible piece of advice coming out of Larry’s mouth.

Step 5 – Look for A Woman Who Knows Her Purpose

Translation: Too cowed by her father and religion to say boo to a goose. Sort of a cooking/cleaning doormat with a hole for sex. Larry et al would be better off with robots, or poor lobotomy victims that any sort of woman with critical thinking skills, and wants, desires and expectations.

Step 6 – Avoid Sexual Temptation While Waiting on Marriage

Larry yet again veers from the standards of Evangelical Quiverfull, mixing in his own thoughts on the matter.

So how does God want you to handle your unmet, yet God given sexual desires during this waiting phase of your life?  The answer is one word and it is an uncomfortable word for some while others have been taught it is a sin.  And that word is masturbation.

The scriptures condemn lust, not masturbation.  And then we must understand how the Bible defines lust verses how we define it today.  Romans 7:7 teaches us that lust is not mere sexual arousal or sexual fantasy, but it is in fact covetousness as defined in the 10th commandment. It is not a sin for you as a young man to be sexually aroused by or even have sexual fantasies about women.  It is not even a sin for you to masturbate to such thoughts or images.

Lust, in the Biblical sense, is when you think about or desire to entice a woman into having sex with you outside of marriage.  So, you don’t have to suppress your sexual nature until you are married, but rather you must exercise it within the bounds of God’s law.  And a big part of avoiding sexual temptation before marriage is to set a boundary for yourself that you will never be alone with a woman that is not your wife or your blood relative.

Notice Larry never mentions the fact that women can struggle with lust and masturbate too. But, here’s the thing about Larry’s claims about lust, desire and masturbation. It requires desire, or if you will, lust to do the act. A man just cannot think ‘Okay, I’m going to choke my chicken now.’ without thoughts of a sexual nature. There’s nothing wrong with the thoughts, or the act. For once I am in agreement with Larry over the issues of self-pleasuring.

Larry devotes the most words and paragraphs to his masturbation party in the entire article. The original email did ask him to be brief.

Step 7 – Be Diligent in Your Search for A Wife

You cannot hope to find a wife by simply sitting around and waiting for one to fall from the sky.

Larry advises internet and global search if you cannot find someone local. I wonder what he thinks of those Russian and Asian find a bride sites?

Step 8 – Do not Date but Instead Court

Dating leads to relationships based on emotion rather than compatibility.  The Courtship process helps protect a couple from the temptation to have premarital sex while at the same time allowing parents the ability to offer an objective analysis of the compatibility of the couple.

The only real difference between dating and courting is that in courting Daddy gets to call the shots. It’s really about control, nothing else. You must have at least some positive emotions towards the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with or it will be nothing but a disaster.

“LARRY!”


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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

I Fired God by Jocelyn Zichtermann

13:24 A Dark Thriller by M Dolon Hickmon

About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 33 years. You can read more about the author here.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Tawreos

    You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28

    I would guess that coveting would work the same way, so I guess Larry didn’t read his bible hard enough. Please note that I am not, in any way, agreeing with Larry or the bible. I think that whoever you feel like thinking about to get the business taken care of is just fine and will hurt no one. Enjoy yourself.

  • French Pandora

    Larry is right, 2 of my great grandparents dated and had a child before being married. Why his God gave them (my great grandmother only since her husband was an Atheist) years of happiness since they were sinners* ?

    *I won’t hold my breath waiting for an answer 🙂

  • Tawreos

    The usual answer is that they only thought they were happy, but since they didn’t have Jesus in their hearts they could never what happiness truly is. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but that seems to be the go to answer for this sort of situation.

  • AFo

    Dating is based on emotion rather than compatibility? What does that even mean? I always thought emotions were a key part of being compatible with someone. Does Larry even realize that he makes no sense here? And him excusing masturbat10n as an end-run around his own religion’s arbitrary “rules” about sex1, lust1, and pleasure makes my skin crawl.

  • flexilis

    “Marry or Masturbat2e”

    Why not both?

  • persephone

    They all kind of run together.

    Maybe Doug Wilson? Or Tim Bayly? They’re both “Christian men must be macho” nutjobs.

  • Saraquill

    I’m all for them building a career before getting married. Considering what Larry and company are like, they’d struggle to get by as cashiers, let alone jobs society considers prestigious.

  • Jim Jones

    Christianity: 2,000 years of everyone making it up as they go.

  • Jim Jones

    Bulls​hit2 is the axle grease of society.

  • kaydenpat

    Hmmmm. Larry is the first conservative Christian who I’ve seen advocating and approving of masturbation2. Usually it’s a big no-no in those circles.

  • Martin Penwald
  • persephone

    Larry approves of anything that lets a male get his rocks off.

  • Martin Penwald

    Yes, I think it’s Doug Wilson.

  • Geri Balistreri

    Sex was created by God for procreation only. I did my good Christian duty and gave my husband three beautiful children but thankfully never had any wicked sinful pleasure while doing the filthy dirty deed. Anybody who masturbates must be killed. Praise Jesus!

  • Polytropos

    Fundie marriage advice always sets off my narcissist detector. Narcissists are strange when it comes to se&#8203x and relationships, because they don’t experience or even seek intimacy in the same way the rest of us do. To a narcissist, partners are interchangeable because they see a partner more as an employee hired to do a j&#8203ob. It doesn’t really matter who gets hired as long as they do the jo&#8203b satisfactorily. This is a key idea with the fundie marriage model. Love? Attraction? Who cares? Just find some girl whose dad will say yes. If the dad doesn’t say yes it doesn’t matter, keep looking until you find a girl whose dad does let you marry her.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Oh honey. I am so sorry for you. You have missed out on everything God has for you that is good. Sex is even mentioned in a positive light in the Song of Songs in the Bible. What you are describing sounds like hell on earth. Sex is good.

  • Saraquill

    I hope Geri’s post is a drive-by piece of fiction. What she describes does sound awful.

  • paganheart

    Why not indeed? I’m very happily married but my husband is gone most of the time for work…if it wasn’t for masturbation2, I would have drunk2 myself into liver failure or otherwise gone off the deep end by now…or cheated. And I know it’s the same for my husband. It’s hard it is to be apart, and we don’t want it to be forever. We’ve had long, long conversations about our attractions and temptations at times (yeah Larry, talking about openly and honestly about your problems with your spouse…it’s a thing.) Oftentimes, just talking about those feelings and acknowledging them is enough to make us realize we have a good thing going, and we don’t want to a yeah, phone s3x is a thing, too (as is s3xting and skype s3x, but we haven’t done those…yet…)

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I am always amazed by how horrible most very religious people make marriage sound. How horrible to live without love, intimacy and desire! Thinking about a post now…. no one should settle for living that way.

  • paganheart

    I noticed that Larry also brings up the ol’ “Billy Graham rule” about never being alone with a woman not your wife…is it just me, or do fundie men seem to be doubling down on that lately? I don’t know if it’s a reaction to #metoo, or a sign of growing backlash against women in the workplace and other positions of power in general. Another piece I read recently argued that the Billy Graham Rule is deliberately designed to harm women in the workplace by keeping them out of a lot of “soft power” events, like after-hours networking at happy hours and golf outings and such, where a lot of career moves are actually made. Then there was the case recently of a firefighter who lost his job after he claimed that his religious beliefs prevented him from being alone with female recruits he was expected to train…and he’s appealing claiming “religious discrimination.” smdh…Larry would probably be convinced that my hubby is destined for h-e-double-hockey-sticks, because his current work team consists of him, four women, and a gay man, and he spends more time with them than he does me.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    ..and I think the commenter is not just pulling our legs here. A little looking at her profile seems to indicate she’s a very conservative Evangelical and Trump supporter. I have to wonder how someone who thinks all sex is sin can reconcile her beliefs with love of Trump, a guy that has openly cheated on all of his wives.

  • SAO

    God forbid your marriage be based on emotion! Love is a 4 letter word.

  • paganheart

    Replying to my own comment, because I found a major typo and the !&#*%$! nanny filter…

    Why not indeed? I’m very happily married but my husband is gone most of the time for work…if it wasn’t for masturbation2, I would have drunk2 myself into liver failure or otherwise gone off the deep end by now…or cheated. And I know it’s the same for my husband. It’s hard it is to be apart, and we don’t want it to be forever. We’ve had long, long conversations about our attractions and temptations at times (yeah Larry, talking about openly and honestly about your problems with your spouse…it’s a thing.) Oftentimes, just talking about those feelings and acknowledging them is enough to make us realize we have a good thing going, and we don’t want to mess it up. And yeah, phone s3x is a thing, too (as is s3xting and skype s3x, but we haven’t done those…yet…)

  • lady_black

    It always sets off my bullshit2 detector.

  • lady_black

    You need a sarcasm tag, sweetie.

  • lady_black

    My first thought was “Poe.” I didn’t look at her profile. YIKES! She’s serious?

  • lady_black

    Her profile is private, and from what I can see, I still think she’s a Poe.

  • lady_black

    Works for me!

  • lady_black

    I think that’s a different whack-job. Coach Daubenmire said something like that, I think…

  • lady_black

    I was always puzzled by that “only think you’re happy” poppycock. Who better to judge your happiness than YOU?

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Not a Poe. She’s all over Breitbart and other conservative boards like a rash.

  • Geri Balistreri

    President Trump is a Divine God and immune from sin. He’s the second coming of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Praise Trump!

  • Geri Balistreri

    Breitbart speaks the direct word of God! All Glory to God Almighty!

  • Saraquill

    Ack, now she’s spouting far-right drivel and breaking the commandment against idolatry at the same. Part of me wants to engage with her, but I value my brain cells too much. As she equates J*sus with the Cheeto, she is a likely candidate for your other blog.

    ETA: I ranted at her a little before blocking. I feel better now.

  • Saraquill

    Ma’am, you missed the memo about Mother Ann Lee being the second coming. I suggest you follow her teachings instead, especially since she promotes celibacy as well as peace.

    Furthermore, how can you call yourself Christian and confuse Brietbart for the angel Metatron? The former is populated with white supremacist1 humans, while the latter is well, an angel. That you lack such basic knowledge of your own religion is bizarre.

  • Astreja

    Heeheeheeheehee! Good one, Geri.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    She’s already featured there!! I could not resist last night after the anti sex rant. I am wondering now if she’s some sort of trollish performance artist.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I don’t know what type of crack2 you are smoking, but it’s affecting your brain and hair.

  • Jim Jones

    No. She’s nailed it. A dead on imitation. I wish I could read more of her comments.

  • Jim Jones

    I literally LOLed.

  • Jim Jones

    Don’t be so gullible.

  • Jim Jones
  • Jim Jones

    It’s just virtue signaling. That’s what most religiosity is about. There’s little genuine religious thought.

  • Jim Jones

    Don’t block her. She’s great, although a little over the top. If she can pass for fundy on their websites that tells us tons about them. 🙂

  • lady_black

    “Geri Balistreri (beyond enraged): “THIS is what I believe!! So it’s NOT SUPERSTITION!!!!!””

    ROFL, ROFL, ROFL!!!
    That’s not how it works, honey.

  • lady_black

    My bad. I didn’t think anyone was really that pathetic. I guess I was wrong.

  • Jim Jones

    LOL!

  • Jim Jones

    It’s still a Poe!

  • Ruthitchka

    That idea is rather sad. It is as if the prospective wife is not important as a human being in her own right.

  • Ruthitchka

    You’re being facetious, I hope! If making babies weren’t fun, I would never have bothered having a second child, because labor and delivery are the opposite of fun. The outcome of labor and delivery was great, both times, though. My sons are terrific humans.

  • Ruthitchka

    Again, you’re being facetious, right? I hope?

  • Ruthitchka

    Hey now! BAhahahahahahaha! You rock,Geri B.!

  • Ruthitchka

    Wait–Metatron? Wasn’t that a video game? ( o ;

  • Polytropos

    It’s sad, but often that’s exactly how the setup works.