[Note: this series is dedicated to Quivering DaughtersΒ by the former-Quiverfull moms at No Longer Quivering.]
Proverbs 22:6 says: Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.
Damn ~ I really hate that verse. Let me tell you why.
1) It is from this proverb that we QuiverfullΒ moms got the idea that through diligentΒ training we couldΒ ensure our children would become mature Christians firmly grounded in the Lord and His word. Of course, we all know that God has no grandchildren ~ our sons and daughters must come to their own faith in Christ ~ still, there is a promise implied in Proverbs 22:6 which leads QF parents to believe that by our intimate involvement in their day-to-day lives, we can influence our children for righteousness.
So we try.
2) It is from this same verse that our children get the idea that their adult future is our responsibility. I donβt think we ever blatantly taught our daughters that their marriage, their career (or lack thereof), their walk with God, their ultimate happinessΒ ~ all areΒ inseparably dependent upon their upbringing ~ but we did teach them the principle of authority β¦ and with authority comes responsibility. If Quiverfull parents are going to claim the authority to guide and direct our daughtersβ education, training, choice of a mate, career path (or lack thereof), and even their daily devotions and quiet time ~ then are we shocked when these same daughters blame the parents when things donβt work out and they are struggling?
In other words ~ we canβt say, βMom & Dad are to be the primary influence over our childrenβs educationβ unless weβre also willing to be fully accountable when those children are in some ways unprepared for higher education, the marketplace or domestic duties due to gaps in their learning. We canβt spend years teaching our daughters to trust and expect their parentsβ intimate involvement in their choice for a life mate, and later, when as young women, they are in relationships which are necessarily messy and imperfect, say, βDonβt blame me because you are unhappy!β
This is Steadfast Daughtersβ dilemma: books such as βRaising Maidens of Virtueβ inculcate an expectation of higher standards, better-than-average daughters who excel in every way. It is not only the QF Moms who have these highly idealistic expectations ~ our daughters catch the vision and theyβre trusting in the Lord to work His will in their livesΒ as they submit toΒ His established authorities ~ i.e., Mom & Dad. So when the Quivering Daughters deal with hurt, disappointment, despair (all of which are common experiences in all families ~ not just Quiverfull homes, as Steadfast DaughtersΒ repeatedly points out) ~ Stacey and her guest bloggers want to say, βSo weβre not perfect ~ there areΒ no perfect parents ~Β donβt blame us!β
It is true that girls in every family experience abuse to varying degrees ~ regardless of their religious beliefs, non-beliefs or admitted confusion. The difference is ~ Quiverfull families have a clearly stated objective of raising morally and spiritually superior daughters. Non-quivering families say, βLetβs all do our best and that will be good enough.β Mary Pride calls that βNo-Fault Parentingβ and says it is shameful.Β In Quiverfull homes, there is no such thing as βgood enough.β The children are expected to be superior ~ and the parents are expected to be superior too.
This sets the stage for big-time disappointment all around.
Children who have been raised with unrealistic expectations will not let their imperfect parents off the hook as readily as kids raised in regular families. βTo whom much is given, much will be required.βΒ We taught this to our daughtersΒ β¦ taught βem diligently ~Β remember?!Β ! Letβs not be surprised that these young women haveΒ learned their lessons well.
Caveat:
This post should not be construed as saying anything negative about the book Quivering Daughters or about how its author speaks of her parents. Many, many βQuivering Daughtersβ do blame Quiverfull teachings and treat their parents with compassion and understanding, as Quivering Daughters does, and these women do their best to shield their parents and their parentsβ identities when speaking or writing of these matters publically.
However, there are many ex-Quiverfull mothers who do find themselves dealing with older daughters (and sometimes sons) who are extremely angry ~ they lash out at their mothers ~ blaming, refusing to understand and/or forgive. I am finding that this is often a necessary part of the process of leaving the cultic mentality. It is very painful ~ but at the same time, we ex-QF moms recognize that the enmeshment which is part of the Quiverfull experience sometimes necessitates that our children go through this. Because they were never permitted to establish their independence in their teenage years, itβs as if they must do it now, in their mid- and late-twenties. It is the spiritually abusive Quiverfull teachings that we moms blame for this, as well.
We have already discussed Steadfast Daughters on the NLQ forum here ~ comments for this post are open below.
This series is written by Vyckie Garrison with the help of many ex-QF moms on behalf of Quivering Daughters.
Steadfast Daughters in a Quivering World:
NLQ Open Thread: Sorry to be so quiet …
On Thursday, I had a βminor procedureβ ~ to remove a suspicious mole from my breast ~ it wasnβt really a big deal ~ except that now I have a lesion which is uncomfortable and itchy and distracting.
Last night, we had Heather and her family over for dinner ~ just a few minutes before they arrived, Andrew came home from the YMCA with a broken wrist. Ugh. He didnβt need a cast ~ but the fracture is on his left wrist and he is left handed ~ so itβs hard for him cuz he naturally wants to use that hand and when he does ~ it hurts.
It was so weird looking at Andrewβs x-rays. I have looked at hundreds of x-rays ~ all of them from Berea, Chasse and Hazelle (and myself, of course) who have this bone condition ~ so the bones are always covered with cauliflower-shaped bumps. Andrewβs bones are so straight and smooth ~ it was easy to spot the fracture cuz it was the only dark spot on an otherwise perfectly white bone. On the girlsβ x-rays, there are so many abnormalities ~ weβd have had to really study the films to figure out what was βnormalβ bone spur stuff and find a break. The contrast just kind of freaked me out ~ I realized how accustomed I am to seeing bumpy bones on x-rays ~ and now I think I understand why the doctors that I first took Chasse to were so fascinated by her x-rays. Iβm glad that I took their interest as an indication that those doctors didnβt have much experience with this bone condition ~ and so sought out a facility where the doctors see these lumpy, bumpy x-rays all the time and were not impressed with Chasseβs x-rays at all.
Anyway ~ I donβt know why I wrote all that. It just got me thinking that itβs possible to be so used to abnormal, deformed stuff ~ that when you encounter the healthy and normal ~ it seems bizarre.
Hopefully, Iβll be back to posting soon. We have planned three more installments in the Steadfast Daughters series: KR Wordgazer is working on a piece about Legalism ~ Daisy will be writing about βOwn Your Own Stuffβ ~ and I am going to conclude the series with βSpiritual Abuse.β