Rabba, Jordan – A team of archaeologists from The University of Jordan have recently made a discovery that will forever change how we think of politics in the first century. Being dubbed “The Wadi al-Mujib Scroll,” it details some of the political ideas of a group of early followers of Jesus, highlighting a schism that caused a split not mentioned in the New Testament or other Christian writings. “This is an incredible breakthrough,” said Dr. Adnan Al-Shayyab. “We had no... Read more
Silt, CO – The pro-life movement secured a decade’s long victory this past week after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. Now, conservative House members are introducing a bill that would take things one step further by making it illegal to masturbate all the way to orgasm. “We have to use this recent momentum to make America even greater, ” said Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert during a recent interview on Newsmax. “Reversing Roe was the first step, and now... Read more
Emeryville, CA – Disney’s Pixar is again in the news, this time for featuring a “gay kiss” in their latest film, Lightyear. While some on the Left are praising the company’s decision to acknowledge that gay people actually exist, many on the Right are up in arms. “It’s disgusting,” said conservative preacher, Rev. Clint Dickman. “These leftist elites keep shoving this stuff down our throats and we have to sit there and take it. It makes me want to gag,... Read more
New York, NY – Just days after a group of white supremacist incels were arrested in Idaho for planning to riot during a Pride Parade, a group of New York sex workers have come up with a plan to “stop the next mass shooting before it happens.” Charmingly dubbed “F*ck An Incel,” the group plans to tackle gun violence with a two-pronged approach. “We have all noticed a pattern in this country,” said Eva Vazquez, a successful Brooklyn-based sex worker.... Read more
I hate the doctrine of eternal conscious torment. I won’t apologize for that. As a child, it tormented me with persistent nightmares, existential angst, and what I can only imagine is a bit of C-PTSD. As a post-Evangelical, perhaps even post-Christian adult, I find the doctrine morally, philosophically, and metaphysically absurd. In this piece, I’d like to explain why. God As Moral Monster If eternal conscious torment exists, then there are basically two ways in which people end up in... Read more
Dallas, TX – Christian Cringefest, dubbed the Academy Awards of Christian “art,” held its yearly awards show in Dallas, Texas last month, and the big winners were The Babylon Bee, taking home 7 awards. “It’s a major honor,” said Bee editor Kyle Mann, “we try our best to try too hard, always punching down when good satire punches up, and this year we’re finally getting rewarded for our work. We understand just how cringey our religion is, so to take... Read more
Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t believe the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, inspired Word of God. In fact, I’ll take that one step further: If you believe the Bible is the inerrant, infallible, inspired Word of God, you run the risk of causing harm to yourself and others based on what’s in it. It’s full of misogyny, racism, violence, bigotry, human sacrifice, and bears who maul children at the request of God’s prophets. However, as the title... Read more
America is a God-worshiping nation. On every street corner, God resides. In our book stores, our grocery stores, our libraries, there you will find God. God is even in our schools, being disseminated – uncontrollable, ungovernable, incorrigible. Our God goes by many names . . . AR-15 Glock .45 AK-17 Smith & Wesson Like many before us, we sacrifice our children to our God and our God accepts them with glee. We pray for blessings and boons as we sacrifice... Read more
Washington, DC – Just a day after yet another mass shooting in an American school, conservatives are considering reversing course on the repeal of Roe v. Wade. However, there is one stipulation: all abortions performed must involve any number of approved handguns or rifles. This potential policy reversal comes as a bit of a surprise, given how staunchly conservatives disapprove of abortion. But it just goes to show you how much they idolize and worship their guns. “I’m shocked, but... Read more
Mt. Juliet, TN – Greg Locke, the controversial pastor of Global Vision Bible Church, recently went on a tirade against Democrats, alleging that one cannot be both a Democrat and a Christian. The video capturing Locke’s enthusiastic meltdown has been viewed over 2 million times to date. This virality has garnered Locke a lot of attention, surprisingly from corners of the media world one would not initially expect. It has not been confirmed, but rumors have been floating around the... Read more
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