Commemorating a Year of the Fivefold Law (Or, Faceback Fnord)

Commemorating a Year of the Fivefold Law (Or, Faceback Fnord) January 17, 2022

So you know that feeling when you’re all, “I’mma start a blog!” and Patheos Pagan is like, “Okay, sure, why not?” So you write a post about Eris just to kind of see what happens, and then suddenly it’s a year later, and you’ve published more than 100 essays and are widely regarded as the world’s leading authority on Discordian Witchcraft?

Yeah, me neither, mostly. But hey! Let’s gab about it anyway.

Five tomtes heart-reacting, representing my Minoan brothers not banishing me for turning them into supporting cast. (Image via Pixabay.)

It honestly feels like I’ve only been blogging here for moments, but when I step back, I can say that’s it’s been a rollercoaster of a year: I got fired from my day job, and I dragged everyone along with me while I hyperfocused on The Liminal Spirits Oracle, but I also got to call Stormy Daniels, survived an opposum attack, and was nominated for a few Witchie Awards. So the nifty definitely outweighed the disconcerting.

I didn’t win any Witchies, by the way, but it was still cool to be recognized, and the people who did win in my categories are freaking awesome, so I am absolutely content.

That said, I told Jason Mankey it would be funny if we pretended we were robbed and set stuff on fire about it, but he was all, “ArSoN iS iLlEgAl, I dOn’T wAnT tO gO bAcK tO PrIsOn.” Typical. Way to pee in my Cheerios, Jason Mankey.

Stock photograph of Jason Mankey zealously devouring my joy like Ba’al with a mouthful of babies. (Image via Pixabay.)

Soggy cereal aside [Note to self: Learn how to write a segue], a big chunk of my blog readership comes from the Patheos Pagan Facebook page, and every once in awhile, one of my posts doesn’t show up in the feed, almost always because I screw up something technical on my end. The consequence of this is that there are a few Fivefold Law posts that no one has really seen, but this works in our favor, because it gives us a neat topic for a blogiversary post.

Much like an 80s sitcom airing a flashback episode, I’ve compiled a montage of previous posts that didn’t make it onto Facebook, but that are definitely worth revisiting. And if you did read them when they were originally published, you’ll be delighted to know that I’ve gone back and fixed all the typos and reformatted the pictures so that they display correctly. So there’s a little something special for everyone.

Let’s dive right in. Here’s hoping you get a kick out of these, or at the very least are encouraged to nod thoughtfully at them.

An Intrusion of Roaches and a Disco of Saints

“Message received, Eris.” (Image via Unsplash.)

To the Hellenics, he’s Hermes; to the Catholics, he’s St. Expedite; and to the Discordians, he brings glad tidings as a canonized cockroach.

So this was actually the second post I ever tried to write here, but I accidentally hit “publish” instead of “save draft” when I was about halfway through with it, and I couldn’t figure out how to revert it back to a draft, so I just banged it out as quickly as I could and hoped for the best.

I think it turned out okay, but considering it involved St. Expedite, it’s not surprising that I managed to create a situation where procrastination was not at all an option. Click here to read the whole thing.

And Then I Murdered a Drifter. Blessed Be.

“Merry Meat, neighbor.” (Image via Pixabay.)

It can be easy to convince ourselves that a given opportunity is divine providence, regardless of warning signs and alarm bells, when what we want starts overshadowing the route we take to get it.

This is without a doubt my favorite post, and had it made it onto social media, it would have assuredly gotten me cancelled gone over like hot cakes. Unfortunately, I wrote it during the big statewide ice storm that overwhelmed Texas’ power grid last year, and, not really keeping up with what day it was, I uploaded two posts at the same time, the first of which knocked this one out of the queue.

It’s a fun read, though, and I promise it’s hand-to-the-Gods 100% true. Click here to enjoy the misadventure.

Discordian Jubiliees: Discoflux (Or, Staying Alive)

“… It just smells funny.” (Image via Pixabay.)

The boundaries between worlds are as thin [in early May] as they are in late October. It’s a time of return. And what better way to honor that than with dance music from the 70s?

Sometimes I suffer from writer’s block, and other times I can’t pull my pen away from the paper. I hit a prolific phase right as Jason was stepping aside as the Patheos Pagan channel manager, so while Mark, our new manager, was trying to get his bearings, I was cranking out new material left and right and basically inundating him. (“Hello, and welcome to Patheos! I’m here to make your job harder.”)

Anyway, this post and the following two went up during that transitional period, so here they are again. This one was my first attempt at writing about a Discordian Holyday, but I also just wanted to brag about the time I met the Village People, so we’ll split the difference. Click here to read on.

Witch This, Not That: Cutting Cords

A clean cut. Most auspicious. (Image via Pexels.)

The first rule of casting a cord-cutting spell is don’t tell everyone on social media that you’re casting a cord-cutting spell.

Although it officially went astray at the time of publication, this post did get read quite a bit, mainly because I posted it as a comment every time someone in a Witchcraft group asked why their cord cutting spell wasn’t working. I swear I’m not against cord cutting spells in theory, but I also maintain that there are more effective ways to magically sever ties with someone that don’t place all the emphasis on aesthetics.

I’m just saying that even if it doesn’t increase your visibility on Instagram, a black walnut bath is far less likely to burn your house down. Click here for this and other completely nonjudgmental droplets of wisdom.

Looking for Signs in All the Wrong Places

“Did anyone else hear a cat? What does that mean?” (Image via Pixabay.)

If we can’t differentiate between a standard-issue coincidence and a communiqué from the Gods, we’re probably better off not paying attention.

I don’t have much to add to this post, other than an owl really did throw a headless bird at an unsuspecting freshman in broad daylight, and it was a jarring enough experience that the God-fearing young Republicans around him were like, “We don’t truck with superstition, but that was fucked up.”

Click here to find out what the hell I’m going on about. I’m pretty sure the post makes a decent point.

Bonus Post! The Goddess of Getting Away With It

“Shh. You don’t see me.” (Image via Pixabay.)

As my final act of 2021, in a post I mostly didn’t copy and paste, I give you Laverna: the Goddess of thieves and plagiarists.

So this post actually did appear on Facebook, but then it disappeared just as quickly, which was understandable: I mean, all of the other Patheos posts that day were like, “Let’s take a moment to reflect on the new year ahead of us,” whereas mine was like, “You know what just doesn’t get enough respect as a spiritual pursuit? Shoplifting.”

It didn’t really fit in thematically, so I wasn’t mad about it not staying in the feed. But also, a post about Laverna that unpredictably popped in and out of visibility was totally on brand.

Want to meet Laverna yourself? Of course you do. Just make a note to always demand a down payment prior to services rendered, then click here with gusto and glee.

And with that, Happy Anniversary, my loyal Clutterbuckaroos!

Seriously, I can’t thank y’all enough for sticking with me while I navigate the Pagan blogosphere and repeatedly say inappropriate things. I want to buy each and everyone one of you a cherry phosphate, but should I not get the chance to do that, I will instead do my best to keep you entertained for at least another 52,600 minutes.

More discord, you say? But of course! Follow Fivefold Law on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Zazzle.

About Thumper
Thumper Marjorie Splitfoot Forge is a Gardnerian High Priest, an initiate of the Minoan Brotherhood, an Episkopos of the Dorothy Clutterbuck Memorial Cabal of Laverna Discordia, a recovering alcoholic, and a notary public from Houston, TX. You can read more about the author here.

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