Why Not Just Adopt?

Why Not Just Adopt? May 21, 2014

EDIT: Some people have said that this post is very negative about adoption. It was not my intention to come across as super negative! My intent was to provide some counter examples to balance a media that often portrays adoption as the best thing in the world that easily solves all problems when starting a family and the most selfless choice one could make. I’ve spent the last year reading blog posts and articles about adoption and they have brought up for me that there are concerns to figure out. This post is mostly a roundup of all those articles that I have found, my intention being for people who are adopted or have adopted to have their voices heard, not mine. I hope that I haven’t gotten in the way of that too much. (And by articles I mean personal blogs and people’s individual stories. This is not a research piece, this is a listening to people’s concerns and bringing to light my own fears piece).

I do think I have a tendency towards a negative bias, though, believing bad stories more than I believe good stories! 

I will continue to have posts about infertility and issues around it. I hope to have some interviews soon with people who are more knowledgable about adoption than I!

As you know, my husband and I have been struggling to start a family. We never guessed that getting pregnant would be difficult and now after a year of unsuccessful trying, I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS and a thyroid issue.

It’s always frustrating when you run into these places in your life where you have to admit you don’t have total control.

One thing that comes up a lot in discussion of fertility issues is the question of adoption.

Hearing that you’re having trouble, many people will say “Why not just adopt?” It seems like the perfect solution! But as with many “perfect” solutions, the truth is more complicated.

(For other myths and things not to say to infertile couples, see this list: http://infertility.about.com/od/familyandfriends/a/12-Things-Not-To-Say-To-Someone-With-Infertility.htm)

It’s not that you haven’t thought about adoption. You’ve always said, “There’s so many children in the world that need good homes.” You’ve thought about “rescuing” children from bad situations or building a multi-cultural family. Or is that just me as a sheltered 12 year old?

I think it’s pretty common, at least among American girls, to initally plan on adoption. I remember chatting with my close girl friends when we were twelve or thirteen about how of course we would adopt when we grew up. The world’s already over crowded, lots of babies need good homes, etc.

Then we grew up and discovered that we really wanted the entire biological experience. I know I long to see my features and my husband’s features blended in our children. Stupid maybe, but a powerful biological drive.

On top of that, as I learn more about the process of adoption, I discover that it is not the noble easy solution to fertility problems.

As torn as I feel about fertility interventions (15), adoption holds at least as many ethical dilemas.

Here are some of the issues that I’ve seen come up with white American couples adopting (that being what we are).  Note: these may be real problems or they may be myths and misunderstandings, so I will continue to learn more and try to distinguish between the truth and the myth.

  • Will you always hold the attitude that you rescued your child, expecting them to be endlessly grateful? (1)
  • If you adopt someone of a different race, are you obligated to raise them in their culture and not yours? (If not, what happens when they grow up and have to interact with the world without the honorary “white card” you gave them?) (2)
  • Are international adoptees actually orphans or have their biological parents been paid to give them up? Could the money that is given in adoption fees actually be enough for the biological parents to be able to keep their children? (3)
  • Will my children feel “second best” because adoption was a backup choice after having biological children failed? (4)
  • Does adoption really benefit the children or is it about benefiting the adoptive parents and making us feel better/meeting our needs? (5)
  • Do I have the right to children? (6)
  • There are likely to be issues of identity and/or abandonment that biological children wouldn’t experience. Not to mention, even very young trauma can cause lifelong issues and you have no control over the environment of the first several months to years of your child’s life. (Not a reason not to do it, but something to be aware of)

Then there’s some personal issues for me, such as:

  • Can I be selfless enough to be open to my child knowing his or her biological parents or will I feel defensive and competitive? Will I be able to have respect for the biological parents (whether open or closed adoption) when I want to selfishly think of the baby as all mine? (7)
  • What would I do if the biological parents changed their minds and I lost my baby? (8)
  • You can end up with some very difficult situations and children who have been through abuse that is not going to be easily healed. Love and a stable home isn’t always enough. Can I give the children what they need? (9)

On top of that, adoption can be extremely expensive. (10) You’re also likely to be waiting a long time and might not get the child that you’ve become attached to.

After all the reading that I’ve done, it seems like the only ethical way to go about adoption is to adopt out of foster care (11) or have an open adoption, in which the biological parent(s) continue to be part of your life (12). Both come with some big challenges. (Sometimes traditonal adoption can work out great, of course (13). But sometimes it’s not doing what’s best for the child to not have any access to their biological history.)

The cultural component becomes complicated for me because I want to raise my children to be Hindus, regardless of their race or ethnicity. I have an idea of the culture I intend to give them. Is that fair to them? I don’t know. I mean, of course I think Hinduism is the best possible thing I could give my children. (Digging to America by Anne Tyler is a great take on this issue: it’s the story of two families, one whitebread American and one Iranian American who both adopt girls from Korea at the same time and their very different ways of raising the girls)

So if we were to adopt, we would ideally look first to adopting from India. The policies of the Indian government on foreign adoption do change and sometimes they are open to it and sometimes not. There are a lot of hoops to jump through, but I imagine that being able to offer a Hindu home would be a bonus in this case. Our close connections to India and desire to visit there frequently would probably also help. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be taking an Indian child away from India when he or she could be loved and cared for there.

For now we are going to continue to pursue having biological children, but adoption is certainly not off the table as an option. (14) And even though I feel like the best ethical choices are domestic open adoption and adoption from foster care, I will continue to research what it would take to adopt children from India.

http://cnyfertility.com/fertility-treatments/options/adoption/

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1. AS AN ADOPTEE OF COLOR, I’M SUPPOSED TO JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR MY “WHITE CARD” “If you call out adoption practices, or that a whole hell of a lot of people out there are racist, you become an ungrateful traitor to the white people who raised you.”

2. Growing up “White”, transratial adoptee learns to be “Black.” “If you don’t have any close friends or people who look like your kid before you adopt a kid, then why are you adopting that kid? Your child should not be your first black friend.”

White parents adopting Black kids “Physically abused, ridiculed and constantly reminded that she was an outsider by the family that adopted her when she was a 5 years old, author and children’s advocate Stacey Patton says conversations about the complicated issues surrounding race and adoption are almost always dominated by the perspectives of clinicians, politicians, and parents.”

I AM A WHITE ADOPTIVE MOTHER MARRIED TO A WOMAN, OUR SON IS BLACK — HE’S OUR SON, END OF STORY ” A black female guest pulled me aside to tell me what other black women think when they see a white woman with a black baby: that she’s a disingenuous “Angelina Jolie” type who has wrested the child away from a black mother”

Just American “I am also American — just American. Not Asian American, although the term is frequently foisted upon me, mostly by self-identifying Asian Americans. I hardly consider myself to be Asian, despite the fact that I grew up in Japan and that my hair and facial features might seem to suggest differently. I don’t reject my Asian heritage; I simply do not have one.”

Why White People Adopt Black Babies “Once I was preparing to take a weight lifting class at my gym when a black man in his sixties approached me and asked if the little girl I carried in with me every day was my child. I said, “Yes.” He said, “Is she really your child?” “Yes,” I said, growing irritated. Then he asked in a sincere tone, “Why didn’t you adopt one of your own kind?””

The Necessity of Racial Socialization: What White Adoptive Parents of Black Children Should Know ” The persistence and pervasiveness of institutional racism in the United States continues to make it necessary for black parents to prepare their children for the hostilities that they will encounter in education, health care, the workplace and other significant social institutions that directly and often negatively structure the daily lives and experiences of African Americans…Do white parents have the cultural foresight to teach their children to be aware of the racisms of society, particularly when few whites have any interest in discussing race and their role in the maintenance of white privilege?”

3.  Korean Adoptee on Adoption Issues “Denmark has suspended adoptions from Nigeria less than a month after Lagos police arrested eight people at a suspected baby factory.”

4. The Towering Infertile on “Just Adopt” “First, the assumption that infertile individuals should be solely responsible for scooping up all the world’s unwanted children is offensive to both infertiles and the children you want us to adopt, because you’re treating both groups like leftovers.”

White Parents, Black Children “Whites who adopt black children are widely viewed with suspicion. Are they adopting black youngsters to satisfy some neurotic need? Are they more interested in demonstrating political virtue than in pursuing the prosaic tasks of parenthood?”

5. Justice for Hyunsu “For all the media love blanketing adoption, the sad fact is that bad people adopt, some of them bad enough to kill. Yet when these horrible tragedies take place, the vast majority of the adoption community falls back to its usual defenses, none of which even acknowledge that a problem exists”

White Adoptive Parents Dominate Adoption Narative “Sometimes I kind of find myself wishing that adoptive parents would stop writing about adoption. Particularly if the subject is transracial adoption…But the traditional adoption narrative in this country is so completely dominated by adoptive parents as a group — THEIR experiences, THEIR emotions, what THEY believe to be “the truth” about their children’s adoptions. And that is especially problematic when you have white people clearly looking to take the easy way out and not think about race too hard.”

Pound Pup Legacy “PPL explores the dark side of adoption, and the consequences illegal and unethical actions have on future family-life and the well-being of those affected by adoption.”

Dangerous Liasons: Infertility and Adoption “I’d like to offer a few additional thoughts to encourage you to rethink the “win-win” that often characterizes  infertility and adoption…Adoption is not a treatment for infertility. Removing adoption from the infertility vocabulary would do adoption reform and justice a world of good.”

6. Infertility and Adoption (referenced in the article above) “I am so bored hearing about how the terrible trials and tribulations of infertility somehow or another make it OK to adopt a child…See, adoption will not FIX your problem. Your problem is that you are infertile and cannot have your own child. If you adopt a child, then you will still NOT have your own child. You will have someone else’s child and you will still be infertile. And for you to GET that child, you will have to be part of a highly unethical and inhumane profit driven business. And I don’t care how wonderful you are, how much you have wanted to have a kid, how perfect of parents you would be, you still don’t get a pass on ethics.”

7. Birth Mothers “Adoption has such a bad stigma. I cannot tell you how many people say to me, “I could never give my child up for adoption.” To which I respond, “I did not give my daughter up — that’s what you do with a washing machine. I placed her with a loving couple that I chose who were capable of supporting her in a way I could not at that moment in my life.” I really want to kick them and say, “Do you think this was my life plan?””

8. Baby dies in teen’s custody after taken from lesbian couple days before adoption “…were later forced to return Gabriel to his 16-year-old birth mother when she changed her mind about giving up the child just days before signing the final adoption papers.”

Do Birth Parents Change Their Minds? “In all cases, the birth parents are free to change their minds at any time prior to the birth of the child. This is a risk that couples in a domestic adoption do face.”

When the Birth Mother Changes Her Mind “As they get in touch with the sense of loss they have at the thought of losing a child they expected to be theirs, or one that they have parented for several weeks or months, they can begin to imagine what the pain is like for birth parents who are about to relinquish a child or who have just made a placement.”

The Dark Sad Side of Domestic Adoption “But everyone coming to it is grieving in some way. It would be wrong not to acknowledge this. ”

9. Why One Mother Gave Back Her Adopted Son “”I said no,” Conner recalls, “but he wouldn’t stop. So I took it away.” J went into a wild, screaming tantrum, unintentionally hitting Conner’s nose with the back of his head: “I was bleeding heavily, sitting on the rug, crying. My two little ones were hiding behind a chair, crying. And it hit me: This is a domestic violence situation; if their dad had done this, I would take our children somewhere safe.””

Parenting and Attachment “My mission is to reach out to other families who may be struggling to understand and cope with this mystery as my wife and I did with our 17-year-old daughter and only child, Casey. Unfortunately, we learned too late.”

Trauma Doesn’t Tell Time “When I talk with parents about how their child’s behaviors are being driven by their earliest life experiences, many are overwhelmed by that idea that everything they have done to provide a safe and loving family has not helped their child let go of those earliest traumas.”

10. Why is adoption so expensive? “Contrary to popular belief, the cost of international adoption in not due to corrupt governments extorting money from families through bribes, outrageous “fees” and the like. While some countries may be worse than others in this regard, the majority of the costs associated with an international adoption are real, valid expenses.”

Another Why is adoption so expensive? “A lot of people complain that this is a lot of money to pay for a child when you can just have one for free. And it is a lot of money. But the simple fact is that it’s not your child. Making it your child, fully and legally, is not a cheap process.”

11. Foster Care: the first placement “It’s cool, you can flip out when you’re alone in the bathroom while he unpacks his knife collection. No, he really had a knife collection. I had to put baby locks on Tide but this kid gets to keep a weapon stash. And this is the first of many things that will kind of tick you off about the system.” btw, this first placement was challenging to this author, but she goes on to have very successful placements too.

12. The Extended Family of Two Open Adoptions “I said yes, specifically, to open adoption. Because I knew that’s how I would want it handled if I were adopted—with my birth family fully knowable to me.”

Recommended by a friend to help clear up my misconceptions: http://www.adoptionhelp.org/open-adoption “The majority of adoptive parents do not feel this way and are glad that the birthparents are part of their child’s life. Most open adoption participants soon find that post-birth relations between birthparents and adoptive parents can be just as positive as with any new addition to a family, whether by marriage or adoption.”

13. W hat Is It Like To Be Adopted? “I don’t care about my birth “mother” any more than I care about any other stranger on this planet. If I one day happen to cross paths with her, I’m sure I’ll treat her with the same respect and courtesy I extend to every other person I meet. No more, no less.”

The A Word “As much as people like to romanticize the idea of flesh and blood, lineage and child birth, it’s a total fallacy. There is no baked-in bond to biology. Your love is not defined by your genetic code. Love is fostered through the complex relationships we nurture over the years.”

Nature v.s. Nurture “For people that argue that nature weighs more heavily on a child, I don’t agree. Every time I try to come up with a personality trait that can’t be linked to my parents, I fail.”

14. Infertility Myth: It’s easier and cheaper to adopt than to use fertility treatments. “As for being selfish, the desire to have children is biological and deeply rooted. To call wanting a child of your own selfish is the same as calling the desire to have a place to live selfish. It’s not selfish, but merely human.”

15. A note on my issues with fertility interventions: I am learning that my feelings about it are rooted in myth and not reality. I have some ingrained prejudices that are quite common, but that doesn’t make them true. As About.com puts it:

Infertility Myth: Couples who suffer from infertility probably wouldn’t be good parents anyway.

Fertility Facts:Infertility is a medical condition, not nature’s commentary on whether or not you’d be good parents.

There are so many bad parents out there who have no trouble having children, and plenty of couples who struggle with getting pregnant who become wonderful parents. Your fertility doesn’t say anything about your parenting ability.

In fact, a couple who experience infertility may become stronger parents, because they may have a greater appreciation for the miracle that a child is. Don’t they always say that you appreciate more what you have to fight for?


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