Submission and Fat Shaming Go Together Like Peanut Butter and Chocolate?

Submission and Fat Shaming Go Together Like Peanut Butter and Chocolate? July 9, 2019
Image screen cap from YouTube. Meme made at imgflip.com

This is one of those days I would love to call for a Lori-toruim. No discussion of Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife. Sadly, as long as she is spewing very bad ideas and toxic trash I cannot do that. She’s back after her three day Facebook ban and plunging straight back into the hate speech that had her banned in the first place.  Her words show a sad link between submission and fat shaming.

Lori Alexander has fat shamed people a pile of times over at her blog. She’s shamed others for what and how they feed their children. Makes claims about feeding husbands , while talking of the immense struggles over food choices between her and her husband Ken.

One of the things Lori tries to do is turn food into a theological issue, instead of a practical part of life strictly dictated by culture, available income, time constraints and food availability. Plus that most hated bugaboo of religion – personal choice.

Eating organic is not a Christian virtue. Or any other form of virtue. It’s a personal choice.

It’s pretty clear from Lori’s many food posts and fat shaming that she herself might be struggling with disordered eating and the comorbidity of other disorders.

Just peruse this advice and claims by Lori over food and marriage:

Why is Lori only promoting two possible answers here? The issues of weight in marriage are far more complex than just two. Putting it on, taking it off. Some people are just genetically predisposed towards weight gain or thinness to the point of emaciation. Common prescriptions for medical problems can cause you to lose or gain. So many other factors here than the obvious and oblivious ‘eat less.’

Plus this cut both ways. I’ve seen some horribly unattractive men with a lack of grooming mingled with the most enormous beer bellies braying that their women are ‘too fat!’ What would happen if their wives mentioned they might need a diet? I’m guessing that the men would flip out and chew the scenery before punishing their women.

In a healthy marriage there might be an answer like, “Gee, I didn’t realize it bothers you so much. Maybe I’ll go back to working out again.” or “This is just the last of the baby weight. Have patience” or any other of a list of things. Complex issues require complex answers and solutions. It’s not so black and white.

When I first saw this my immediate and flip response was saying I would point to his adipose tissue, that belly and say something like, “Just about the time you take care of that, Capt. Fatasstia!” and laugh. But then again my husband would laugh too. We have the kind of relationship where we pick and tease without taking offense. He came up with the term ‘Fatasstia’ one day after making fun of how meds are named.

There are sometimes discussions about health issues, sometimes wrapped in silly words with both of us redoubling our efforts to be healthier.

But that’s what Lori is missing here. Several things.

  • Most overweight people know they need to lose and don’t need someone nagging them about it. They’re likely working towards that goal without announcing it to everyone. Weight is a weighty, awkward and difficult thing in our society.
  • Most marital discussions are not baldly stated so unkindly as Lori claims here. It might start out in healthy marriages as “I’m concerned for your health. Can we talk about making some changes to improve our health?” Most guys, at least those outside of the complementarian cult realize that starting a hard conversation with “You’re fat. Eat less.” is pretty counter productive and might cause your spouse to go face first into their preferred comfort food. Her words are attack words. I wonder if that’s how Ken speaks to her, in accusatory attacks like that? If so I feel rather sorry for her.

It’s posts like this that make me wonder if Lori Alexander is an alien from another planet, without human emotions, logical reasoning and all compassion, like those bulbous-headed things in “Mars Attacks” I keep hoping she’ll pull off the rubber mask and expose the real her.


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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington You can read more about the author here.D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 32 years. You can read more about the author here.
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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Peg

    Lori has had a long and unhealthy relationship with food. Her daughters have talked about their own struggles with food and how they would look to Ken to make them more food. I’ve watched a few of her food videos and they are very telling. Lori doesn’t get the nourishment she should and I would bet the farm that tests would prove that. One of the videos screamed eating disorder – large mason jars in her fridge in a very specific order, like little soldiers.
    Lori lacks empathy and can only see her world as black and white. Her knowledge about healthy eating is almost non-existent and she absolutely doesn’t understand the myriad of reasons why people are overweight, or even underweight.

  • Aloha

    “I will eat less …”

    Yeah, that’s pretty much the essence of dieting, but it’s also what makes dieting so hard. It’s quite difficult to avoid eating when you’re hungry — yeah, we EVOLVED that way. You’ve got to eat to live, so humans, particularly women of child-bearing age have a good instinct to eat.

    The other problem is that your moods might go wonky when you’re calorie-deprived. That can be a big problem for working (like homeschooling, housekeeping and child-rearing) moms. You might lose concentration and have less energy.

    So why the simplified solution to “chubby wife”? Lori is just flaunting her skinniness and self-control. The only thing better than being thin, is being thin and judging everyone else who isn’t.

  • Aloha

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/adcb00390029e40d3fd99882e4c27d6c1bfc69c768ef3c5061b569a8302e65d6.jpg

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/01f0f33b9ada34ddc7c0f63db2f9dde5189eb8ea84e898936311c7744555206f.jpg
    I’ve put these pics up here before, but to say it again … Lori is very thin. Not many grandmothers manage to stay so skinny like a pre-teen girl. Lori must be doing some kind of extreme dieting to stay so thin. That’s her choice, but the trouble comes when she wants to put herself forth as the example we should all follow.

  • AFo

    I’ve known too many people who’ve gone on fad diets or “fasts” only to gain the weight back and then some. Losing weight is hard, and to just boil it down to “eat less, you cow!” oversimplifies and puts the blame on someone who is probably trying very hard. In other words, it’s the quintessential Lori solution.

  • Polytropos

    Something else Lori is (unsurprisingly) missing is the fact that sometimes an abusive husband will pick at his wife about her weight as a way to undermine her self-confidence and make her feel like no one else would want her.

  • SAO

    What would a caring husband do? He’d talk to his wife about the issue, identify some solutions and support her following them. Does she not get enough exercise? Maybe he takes walks with her or gets home early to look after the kids while she goes to the gym. Does she eat too much junk food? Maybe encourage healthier snacks. And the big one — if he’s overweight, too, he also eats less and has fruit for dessert, instead of ordering a big pizza and expecting her to eat only a small slice while he swill beer and gobbles down the rest.

  • paganheart

    I can’t help but notice the short skirt on the woman holding a baby and the bare arms and exposed shoulders on the bride and bridesmaids. Lori’s dress isn’t exactly modest, either; her knees are showing… wonder if Lori gave them all a ration of cr@p about modesty when that picture was taken. Talk about hypocritical….

  • persephone

    Really? You should know that men are only abusive to wives who aren’t properly submissive. Get submissive! Life will be perfect and you’ll hate your life for 24 hours a day, but it will totally be worth it.

    Blerg.

  • persephone

    Lori has her own version of what’s modest. She plays it off as Ken is happy with it, God told her to wear more skirts, and she’s just doing what she’s told. I sincerely believe that, as she’s gotten older, she’s started wearing skirts to show off her legs; it’s not uncommon among older women. I’ve never had great legs (knock-kneed, large bones, lots of muscle), so I’m fine living in pants, but many women who do have nice gams will make a point of wearing clothes that shows them off, pulling attention away from the aging face.

  • persephone

    She’s definitely in lollipop territory which is very, very bad. She’s undoubtedly starving herself, which isn’t going to help her mental state.

  • Saraquill

    When I first dated my ex, I was underweight due to two severe illnesses. He was convinced I had an eating disorder and nagged my eating habits (fruits, vegetables and legumes, oh my!) and was itching to drag me to a hospital to play out his white knight fantasies. After I reached my middle school weight,* he wouldn’t shut up about how “fat” I got. I was not amused.

    *I weighed less in high school and early college than I did in 7th grade.

  • CS

    What would a caring husband do if his wife became completely submissive? Aside from being horrified, he’d probably find himself watching his every word to avoid overruling her, giving work to her, or otherwise sparking a disaster. Mention to her that you saw an ad for tacos and it made you hungry? She’ll start making you tacos even if the fridge is completely full of leftovers. Make a comment that inadvertently implies she’s putting on weight? She goes on a starvation diet. He’d never be able to speak his mind openly to her, and he’d never be able to trust any response from her was honest instead of what she thought he wanted.

    I once had a friend who was a bit too agreeable. Not nearly to the degree of the submissive wife Lori touts, but she’d agree to things she didn’t actually want to do and suggest things she thought other people wanted because she wanted them to be happy. At least she’d speak up if she was truly against something, but it was sometimes exhausting to try to get her to state her own preferences. Living with someone who was even more agreeable sounds like a complete nightmare.

  • I’d be annoyed and then eat the unhealthiest thing I can find right in front of him while flipping him the bird because he doesn’t get to tell me what I can and can’t eat.

  • Yeah. Jerkface (ex) always had to have complete control over grocery shopping, then would complain that I “wasted” food by either not eating it or horking it up after (because he’d always get things I can’t digest, and I’m a stress-puker). Meanwhile, he’s leaving things out of the fridge, letting things rot in the fridge, and actually wasting food. The few times I managed to get things we could both enjoy, he’d ruin it for me by eating all of it, or acting like it was a huge gesture of “kindness” on his part that he’d so “graciously” “allowed” me a “treat”.

    On top of this, he’d then have the absolute audacity to complain — extensively! — about my digestive malfunctions like I somehow managed to deliberately induce IBS just to spite him. (If only I had that kind of control over my guts…)

  • Jennifer

    I so wish I could kick your ex-Jerk in the guts for you.

  • Jennifer

    That’s so beyond belief. One tarnished knight who deserved to get speared!

  • Jennifer

    Excellent points.

  • Jennifer

    That pathetic title on the first picture is real? How pitiful; look at those average men. I mean ALL men are too average to carry the standard jerks like Lori say they do.

  • I’d happily direct you to him if I cared enough to find him. He does deserve a good kick in the “pants”.

  • Friend

    Yes, a thousand times yes. This is an incredibly sensitive topic for many couples. It took us years to work out gentle language and agree on an eating and exercise routine that helps us both.

    Instead of talking about appearance, we talk about our schedule and what we have eaten today. Since both of us have to exercise for health reasons, we also have doctors who encourage us, praise us, and give us clues about what exercise is adequate.

  • Aloha

    I’d be willing to bet some money that Lori’s husband has at least once asked her to lay off the excessive dieting and put a little meat on her bones. It just seems like he’s the more normal partner in their marriage, while she tends to excess.

    I’d imagine he asked her to just start cooking and eating normally, but she refused. She cares too much about her appearance.

  • French Pandora

    I would join Jenny but it’s not the guts I would target.

  • Polytropos

    Your ex is a real [CENSORED].

  • SAO

    Yes, I have a friend who is always trying to not be a nuisance and ends up being a huge nuisance. Instead of stating what she needs (we’re all in our 5-s and have various issues) she proposes things that no one has asked for, trying to avoid any possible conflicts. The result is she says she’ll sleep in a tent, she likes to camp. Okay, fine. But then it turns out she doesn’t really want to camp and one of us could have brought an airbed, to have a comfortable place to sleep if we’d known there would be one more person than beds.

    She agrees to go hiking, but then isn’t in good enough shape and her dog can’t hike either, so now, at the top of the mountain, we have a dog and a friend who are not really in shape to hike down, when we could have done a flat walk along a trail where there are bus stops and gone back to the car on a bus, if we needed to.

    In the end, you have to play a tedious guessing game to figure out what will actually work for her and if you get it wrong, there’s a problem.

  • My mother experienced a narcissistic religious conversion when i was a preteen. I watched her take the teachings of Focus on the Family and sharpen them into weapons of intricate and deadly quality. Her favorite tactic for disarming and punishing my agreeable and loving father?
    Malignant submission.

    I shudder.

  • bekabot

    I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover; I’ve read the Apocrypha too; I’ve even read some of the supplementary stuff, and while I’ve found lots of material in these books which might be called antifemale, one of the things I’ve never found is…husbands nagging wives about their weight. Biblically, that’s a thing which doesn’t exist, or at least is never adverted to. The strictly-Biblical reply of a wife to a husband who tells her “you’re starting to get podgy and you need to lose weight” would be neither “yes, master” nor “mind your own business”, but “hunh”? So, Lori is making things up — not for the first time. (It started out fun, but it’s losing its charm.)

  • zizania

    There’s a good chance that this hypothetical wife is either at a perfectly healthy weight or actually underweight. Fat-shaming is just another form of verbal abuse, after all.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    One of my grandmothers was naturally thin like that her whole life. I’ve met other women like that too. So I wouldn’t think there was something up with Lori just from looking at her. But then there’s all the words…

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    It’s the crazy focus on food and the fat shaming that makes it seem like perhaps she deals with an eating disorder.

  • B.E. Miller

    Someone call the mad man in the blue police box!

    Second thought; Lori is really a Slitheen, squished into way too small of a human suit.

  • Cynthia

    She is not a healthy person and has written that she suffered from various ailments including stomach issues for decades.

    She also writes that she initially created conflict in her own marriage by attempting to micro-manage Ken’s eating habits and feeling enraged that he didn’t want to live on salads all the time. Somehow, it took Debi Pearl to tell her to stop, but she didn’t reject the idea of being super-controlling over food – she just accepted that she needed to be a martyr and let Ken be the boss even if he ate junk food. She then doubled down on controlling every bite her kids ate and bossing other women around.